Close up time?

aqua velva

In 2014, within a few months of starting AGMA, one of my posts got “Freshly Pressed”.

To be honest, I was so wet behind the ears with this blogging stuff on WP that I really didn’t know what that meant.

But it didn’t take long to figure it out.

AGMA went from something like 25 followers to over 2000 in a matter of weeks.  And I was overwhelmed by the volume of comments.

I handled it with my normal cool aplomb….  I turned red, panicked at the thought of more than 15 people reading my posts, and started hyperventilating.  

It seemed like there might be some lofty expectations from AGMA going forward.  I wasn’t sure I could handle the pressure.  

But I managed to hold my AGMA sh*t together and boldly went forward writing whatever the hell I wanted.  Screw ‘em if they didn’t like it….

That post (No Close Ups!) is still my all time high post for likes and comments.

And it was about lightbulbs.

Go figure.

But get ready faithful readers…. 

Get ready WP Freshly Pressed folks…

Get ready world…

Lightning is about to strike twice.

AGMA went lightbulb shopping again!

It all started when I was perusing the Black Friday ads in the newspaper on Thanksgiving Day. 

“A newspaper, AGMA?  How quaint and retro…”, I can hear you say.

Thanksgiving Day is the one day of the year I ever buy a real live newspaper.   And I know why.  Other than the ads, the rest of the paper was dismal.  I think there were 4 sections that were 6 tiny pages each.  

I don’t know about you but AGMA misses old school newspapers.  A computer screen just doesn’t have the same tactile or visual stimulation.  And you can’t wrap a set of cups and saucers with it when you’re moving.

So in one of the super mega hardware store Black Friday ads, I saw something called a wireless lightbulb.

Wireless lightbulb. Seems like an oxymoron.  Like the phrase “Presidential integrity” (specifically applied to Trumputin.)  Maybe not so much the oxy, but the moron part definately applies…

Upon further research, I realized that the lightbulb still needed to be in a wired socket (whew!)  It’s the control of the bulb that’s wireless.  

This is getting interesting.

No more fumbling around in the dark to find a light switch.  Or using old school mechanical timers. 

These “smart” lightbulbs somehow (does anybody really know how?) connect to your WiFI network and are controlled by an app on your smart phone.  Or a hub. Or Alexa. Or Google Assistant. Or Facebook Portal (never in a million years Zuckerberg, you arrogant snot!)  (OMG – did I say that out loud?) 

Or other demonic devices meant to listen into and/or watch your most intimate moments and plant earwigs in your brain.  

Not surprisingly, AGMA does not own one of these wicked devices, born from the depths of Hell, so I’d have to use the app.  Just sayin’… 

And not only can you control them wirelessly via either a hub or app or evil device, but you can control the color and choose from like 1000 different color choices.  

Seriously.

Always in search for the perfect Christmas gift for tech savvy Son#2, AGMA ventured out on Black Friday to said super mega hardware store.  

And I ended up just staring at the hundreds of lightbulb choices.  Again.  It was overwhelming.  Again.  Just like 4 years ago.

Incandescent bulbs are still around, but in short supply.  Thomas Edison and I are still sad about this.

To AGMA’s surprise, those twisty fluorescent “not really a bulb” bulbs were no where to be seen.  No loss there – I was definitely NOT ready for my close-up when those babies were lit up.    

LED rules the lightbulb aisle now. 

But even on sale, the super mega hardware store price was still pretty high for one of those smart bulbs.

So AGMA ordered one from Amazon on Cyber Monday at like $10 off the super mega hardware store sale price.

I got it a few days ago.  And my curiosity is getting the better of me.  

How does it connect to WiFi?  How does the app work?  Will one of those 1000 colors be THE perfect color for me?  Will I FINALLY be ready for my close-up?  Could one of the 1000s of colors not make the Grand Cheeto look so very orange?

Inquiring AGMA minds may need an answer soon.

Very soon.

I’m sure Son#2 wouldn’t mind getting a nice bottle of Aqua Velva.

Love is love

Paddy

AGMA is postponing writing my extremely clever post for yet another week. To be honest, I’ve forgotten what I was going to write about.

I do remember a Shakespearean quote was involved. And that always elevates whatever you’re going to write about doesn’t it?

More on this topic – whatever it was – later…

Have you browsed your SPAM folder in your WP Comments sections lately?

It’s something I rarely do. But I did this morning.  And honestly, I read through mine and am mystified as to why WP considers them SPAM.

The bulk of the ‘alleged’ SPAM comments were on my No Close Ups! post from waaaaayyyy back in early 2014, three months after I started AGMA.

I peaked early in my blogging career; this was the post that earned me my 15 minutes of fame on WP.

This was my post that was selected to be (and I am getting goosebumps as I write this…) Freshly Pressed.

Why shouldn’t people adore it?

Online Fortune Reading gushes:

“Thanks for sharing your extraordinary and amazing ideas. I will not be hesitant to share your website to any individual who should be given ideas such as these.”

Nor should you be hesitate OFR! The world desperately needs this information about light bulbs.

From Daily Tarot Card Reading Online:

“Amazing article, I’m going to invest more time researching this topic.”

One word. Google. 5 minutes max and you’ll learn all you ever wanted to know about sources of flattering and unflattering artificial lighting.

Daily Tarot Card Reading Online NEW AGE (not to be confused with Daily Tarot Card Reading Online. Please) said:

“Loving the info on this web site, you have done an awesome job on the blogs.”

Okay, well, it’s not really a web site and there is only one blog, but AGMA so appreciates the thoughts DTCRONA!

Here’s one from Sign On Aol (which AGMA finds this a bit ironic since they have a gmail email address…):

“To be in a position to acknowledge your own image as an icon, you will certainly probably need to click the option All of the Companion Symbols simply because the choice that icons to simply accept.”

???????

Nellie doesn’t go the flattery route. She’s got something to say and she just lays it all out there:

“Buy now $49 easy spy cellular phone spy $49.”

AGMA’s intrigued. I always wanted to be a spy. I loved watching James Bond movies as a child. The REAL James Bond movies with Sean Connery that is.

Don’t judge me.

Changing gears, this was on my About page. It comes from Cheap NFL Jerseys (oxymoron perhaps?):

“We strategy income unique today.”Former Yankee War Pilot Jerry Coleman Dies At 89 – RealGM WiretapCommissioner Bud Selig issued the following statement regarding the passing of 2005 Ford C. LaVar Arrington broke his arm and leg in a motorcycle accident. There were more than 50 Californians in the field, and Thomas went to elaborate lengths to update each player’s card, hole by hole, on the Web. It’s a truism in the golf industry.”

CNFLJ probably had a set of those helicopter parents who forced him to do tennis, football, soccer, baseball and golf. All at the same time. And yelled at the coaches when they didn’t play him. The confusion is understandable.

But I think my favorite is from Latia on No Close Ups:

“insert your data”

For some reason, AGMA finds that very profound and thought provoking. I’ll be using that as a mantra during my morning mediations for the next week.

I plan on visiting the SPAM area more often for more uplifting comments.

AGMA loves feelin’ the love.

Even if it’s from folks mixing their pharmaceuticals together and downing them with a fifth of whiskey.

Hey, love is love.

Every day’s a school day

LessonsLearned

Random AGMA lesson’s learned in 2+ years of blogging in no particular order:

  1. Don’t blog while drunk. I won’t tell you which ones…
  2. The word spam is as popular as penis (tallywhacker) and vagina (she-she) when it come to searches. Almost. An AGMA post with spam in the title got like 200 views in one day.
  3. Almost nobody out there cares that I like to watch Men’s Elite Professional Cycling. I totally don’t get that.
  4. No matter how hard AGMA tries to answer the questions that are part of those blogging awards, it never works out. But THANK YOU for nominating me!! I meant it when I said it was a huge honor!
  5. Writing is way more fun when you don’t have somebody grading your work.  Way. More. Fun.
  6. AGMA followers aren’t quite as anal about how I write as my high school English teachers.
  7. Blogging friends are sorely missed when they stop blogging. So don’t stop!
  8. WordPress Blogging 101 is a lot of work.  Someday I’ll finish it.  Yeah, right…
  9. I will never make it beyond WordPress Blogging 101.
  10. When you get Freshly Pressed and are on the WordPress Recommended Blogs List, you get lots and lots and lots of followers. THANK YOU WordPress!!!
  11. Most Freshly Pressed and Recommended Blogs List followers never actually read your blog.
  12. When you get removed from the WordPress Recommended Blog List, the follows slow down to a trickle. But those folks actually read your blog.
  13. Sometimes it’s best not to overthink starting a blog. Just pick a cool name, sit down and start writing.
  14. AGMA can be funny, but not nearly as funny as some of you out there. Please keep me laughing!
  15. There is never enough time to read the blogs I love. I hate that…
  16. Bloggers (at least the one’s who follow AGMA) are some of the nicest, most caring people in the world. Crikey, it’s getting deep in here.
  17. When you only post once a week, it keeps ‘em wanting more. Right?  Hello? (crickets)
  18. When your friends and family don’t know you author a blog, the possibilities are endless. Take from that what you will…
  19. Never, ever say, “Blogging seems so stupid. I mean, who cares?” Gulp.
  20. Blogging just might connect you with some part of yourself you’d lost touch with or didn’t even know existed.

And finally…

21. Blogging really is cheaper than therapy.  Or a good adjunct.

 

My Freshly Pressed Fifteen Minutes

Image

So for five days, my smartphone has almost constantly displayed the little blue WordPress app icon at the top of the home screen. Notification that somebody is either following my blog, liking one of my blog posts and/or leaving a comment.  This is not my normal. This is heady stuff.

This, I realize, is probably as close as I’m going to come to my Warhol Fifteen Minutes of Fame.

I was Freshly Pressed last week.

Am I the only one who feels the guilt of baskets of wrinkled clothes awaiting ironing piling up for weeks on end when I see the phrase “Freshly Pressed”?  I really hope so…  Or – much better thought – about buying a bottle of champagne and making mimosas?  Maybe several bottles.

I got the email last week from one of the WordPress editors.  She said she had selected one of my posts to be Freshly Pressed.  She said many nice things.  Amazingly all without any sort of promise of compensation by me at a later date!  The comment that I liked best was that my writing was “off-kilter in just the best way.”  Welcome to my world…

It feels strange having followers.  I write this blog for myself.   As I told my new bff WordPress editor, for me, it’s enough to just get it “out there”.  I needed a cheaper alternative to psychotherapy.

The fact that it might also be entertaining to some individuals of questionable taste is a serious bonus.

I am not a natural writer.  My grade school, high school and college English grades will support me on this.  Possibly my kindergarden grades as well.  Oh, I did do some writing during the many years I was an IT business analyst for an insurance company.  You can only imagine – if you stay awake long enough – how fascinating my memos and emails to vendors, internal customers and programmers must have been.

For a few anxious moments in the past few days, I worried if I was up to having – gasp – nearly 200 followers.  For many of you, I know this is a modest number.  To me it’s like having 20,000 followers.  A huge number to somebody who didn’t anticipate any.

Will future posts be as delightfully charming and witty?  Will I continue to be able to entertain and amuse my devotees?  That’s sarcasm in case you didn’t recognize it…  Can I maintain being “off-kilter in just the best way”?  Can I live up to the lovely compliments that so many people have offered?  That’s not sarcasm.

Like so much of life, I have to say I have no idea.  As I get older, I’m far more comfortable than I used to be with having more questions than answers.  Actually, it’s almost a relief not to have answers.  It seems to leave more space for possibility.

So I’m just going to continue to reflect on the absurdities of aging in our youth obsessed culture and the increasing madness of a world gone catawhampus.  All in my “off-kilter” way.

Senior citizen gone wild. For fifteen minutes.

Pass the Mardi Gras beads, the mimosas and Campbell Soup!