Sparkle on!

AGMA’s out of control…

So much to do; so little time.  Getting back from our trip on 12/7 has given me a massive holiday headache.  Ouch!

The 2nd New Zealand travel post needs to simmer until after the holidays.

Until then, ya’ll can be mildly amused by my holiday post from 2014.  Was true then; is true now.

Glitter.  Everywhere.

Merry, merry!!

The AGMA Christmas Card Conspiracy Theory

Sparkle2

I think I’ve figured it out…  I know how the Chinese are going to take over the world.  Or at least the parts of the world that send glittery greeting cards

I wonder if anybody will believe me?

Last year, I bought some 75% off holiday cards after Christmas to send this year.  Yeah – I’m cheap.  I liked them because they have pretty sparkles.  They were made in China.

I bought some extra Christmas cards a few weeks ago because I needed more.  They also have pretty sparkles on them.  They were made in China.

Most of the Christmas cards I’ve received this year so far have pretty sparkles on them.  I checked the backs of each card.  They were made in China.

My sister has a late December birthday.  I bought a birthday card for her that has pretty sparkle balloons over the birthday cake on the front.  You guessed it –  made in China.

Hmmm – now I’m not the sharpest needle in the haystack, but I think I’m seeing a common thread…

Think about it.  As soon as you take those cards out of the box, those damn sparkles go everywhere.  I opened a sparkly card last week on the kitchen counter near the phone.  Later in the day, I found sparkles on our cooktop which is across the room.  Huh?

Accident?  I don’t think so…

We have cats.  The sparkles get on the floor.  Our cats daintily prance through the errant sparkles on the floor getting them on their paws.  They’re now carriers.

The sparkles get on the kitchen counters.  All over the kitchen counters.  The cats aren’t allowed on the counters.  Yeah – right. Telling a cat “No!” works so well…

So their paws end up covered in sparkles.  At this point, because cats will not be denied access anywhere, you start finding sparkles all over the house.   Literally, everywhere.  Really, in places that would shock and surprise you.

And I realized – it’s all an ingenious, insidious plot.  They’re using our pets against us to spread the sparkles.  It’s like something you’d find on The Sci-Fi channel.

“What’s there to fear from a few ill placed sparkles?” you ask.  Other than you don’t feel like sparkles in your morning coffee.  Or your scrambled eggs.  Or stuck to your boob.

It’s “just” sparkles now my friends, but what about next year?  Or the year after?

Scientists are already working on making graphene practical for use in computers and everyday electronics.  In case you don’t know, graphene is a carbon sheet only one atom thick.  It’s the new miracle substance that is supposed to revolutionize the electronics industry because it conducts electricity 100 faster than the silcone.  Stronger than steel but flexible, it’s a nano-sized superconductor.  Seriously, this stuff if pretty darned amazing.

But one atom thick?  Gosh, that’s teeny, tiny, itty-bitty.  Small enough to fit on something really tiny.  Really tiny like – oh, I don’t know – a sparkle maybe?

And so it begins…

Again, I’m not the fastest pony in the stable, but sometimes I can connect the dots.

Today it’s a sparkle.  Tomorrow it’s a digital communications tool the size of a piece of glitter stuck to your ass beaming all of your junk over to the Chinese version YouTube.

Merry Christmas Beijing.

 

Holiday cray cray

kiss

So I got back from my trip nearly two weeks ago. The good news is that I didn’t get sick from the “sky contagion”. Very good news that the juicy cough beast was beaten into submission by healthy doses of vitamin C.

The bad news is that AGMA really didn’t think this “take a two week vacation at Thanksgiving” thing through very well.

I celebrate Christmas and love the holiday season. But I struggle with getting everything done for the holidays even when I don’t go away.

So take two weeks away from that prep time and you have total AGMA insanity. And no AGMA posts for two weeks.

What??

Between two sets of out of town visitors, work, catching up from vacation, and starting to run again, I’ve been frazzled. And pooped. I never really got a chance to get over my jet lag.

Yeah – I want some cheese with that whine…

It’s all wonderful stuff. But to somebody who likes to go full-on for the holidays, it’s been a bit frustrating.

But I’ve decided that I’m not going to make myself any more crazy than I already am. I’m going to enjoy Christmas this year. I’m not going to try to make up for the lost two weeks.

I decided not to send Christmas cards out this year.

This is major. I think I’ve only skipped sending Christmas cards once in my entire adult life. I’m getting the DT’s just thinking about it. I bought the stamps in October.

But in this day and age of social media, it’s fairly easy to skip the old school, snail mail holiday greetings. All of my Facebook friends already know how incredibly fabulous the AGMA life is from my many informative and entertaining posts and pictures.

Not.

And of course, there’s the Chinese Christmas card glitter conspiracy that I wrote about last year… So now I can personally delay Chinese world domination by at least a year. You can read that sick and twisted post here.

Oh, I’ll probably eventually send out cards to my non-social media friends. Yes Virginia, there are people who are not on Facebook, Twitter & Instagram. And the hundreds of other sites/apps that I know nothing about…

But I’ll sent it out in AGMA time and not based on how close it is to December 25th. New Years cards maybe. Or January greetings. With no glitter.

This is all to say that I’m sorry for the missing AGMA’s post last week. And for responding so very late to some of your comments. Writing AGMA is one of my personal joys and something I truly look forward to every week. And I am pretty sure I have, hands down, the most amazing followers of any blog out there!

So thank you so much for your friendship, caring and laughter this last year!  It means more than you will ever know.

And no matter what holiday tradition you follow, I wish for each one of you the thing that we, as part of the human family, want and need the most… To love and be loved in return.  All year long. All life long.

Oh, and to laugh too!

A big holiday smakaroo to all of you!  I hope it doesn’t leave a mark on your collar…

The AGMA Christmas Card Conspiracy Theory

 

Sparkle2

I think I’ve figured it out…  I know how the Chinese are going to take over the world.  Or at least the parts of the world that send glittery greeting cards

I wonder if anybody will believe me?

Last year, I bought some 75% off holiday cards after Christmas to send this year.  Yeah – I’m cheap.  I liked them because they have pretty sparkles.  They were made in China.

I bought some extra Christmas cards a few weeks ago because I needed more.  They also have pretty sparkles on them.  They were made in China.

Most of the Christmas cards I’ve received this year so far have pretty sparkles on them.  I checked the backs of each card.  They were made in China.

My sister has a late December birthday.  I bought a birthday card for her that has pretty sparkle balloons over the birthday cake on the front.  You guessed it –  made in China.

Hmmm – now I’m not the sharpest needle in the haystack, but I think I’m seeing a common thread…

Think about it.  As soon as you take those cards out of the box, those damn sparkles go everywhere.  I opened a sparkly card last week on the kitchen counter near the phone.  Later in the day, I found sparkles on our cooktop which is across the room.  Huh?

Accident?  I don’t think so…

We have cats.  The sparkles get on the floor.  Our cats daintily prance through the errant sparkles on the floor getting them on their paws.  They’re now carriers.

The sparkles get on the kitchen counters.  All over the kitchen counters.  The cats aren’t allowed on the counters.  Yeah – right. Telling a cat “No!” works so well…

So their paws end up covered in sparkles.  At this point, because cats will not be denied access anywhere, you start finding sparkles all over the house.   Literally, everywhere.  Really, in places that would shock and surprise you.

And I realized – it’s all an ingenious, insidious plot.  They’re using our pets against us to spread the sparkles.  It’s like something you’d find on The Sci-Fi channel.

“What’s there to fear from a few ill placed sparkles?” you ask.  Other than you don’t feel like sparkles in your morning coffee.  Or your scrambled eggs.  Or stuck to your boob.

It’s “just” sparkles now my friends, but what about next year?  Or the year after?

Scientists are already working on making graphene practical for use in computers and everyday electronics.  In case you don’t know, graphene is a carbon sheet only one atom thick.  It’s the new miracle substance that is supposed to revolutionize the electronics industry because it conducts electricity 100 faster than the silcone.  Stronger than steel but flexible, it’s a nano-sized superconductor.  Seriously, this stuff if pretty darned amazing.

But one atom thick?  Gosh, that’s teeny, tiny, itty-bitty.  Small enough to fit on something really tiny.  Really tiny like – oh, I don’t know – a sparkle maybe?

And so it begins…

Again, I’m not the fastest pony in the stable, but sometimes I can connect the dots.

Today it’s a sparkle.  Tomorrow it’s a digital communications tool the size of a piece of glitter stuck to your ass beaming all of your junk over to the Chinese version YouTube.

Merry Christmas Beijing.

My Life Is Perfect

BoastingXmas

Yesterday, I finished “the” Christmas letter.

You know – it’s the letter that gets stuffed in selected Christmas cards to let your far away friends and family know how amazingly wonderful your life was the past year.  And how brilliant and successful your children continue to be as fully grown adults.

These letters are like the TV show Survivor.  They involve playing the game.  You wait to write your letter until you’ve received several others to see how much you have to “one-up” them.  But if you wait too long, your card and letter arrives after Christmas and you just look like a pathetic loser.  Timing is everything.  It’s eat or be eaten.

I don’t send a Christmas letter in every card.  Because of social media, most of my friends already know that my life is spectacular and my children are wildly, hopelessly successful.  The letters are so that everybody else who ISN’T digitally plugged-in can know that as well.  And just how drab and sad their lives are in comparison.

I’m just spreading the cheer…

Some people are on the cusp.  It’s the  “should I or shouldn’t I” dilemma with some folks who intentionally keep a low profile on social media.  They’re stalkers.  They don’t have the gonads to actually post anything, but they want to read all about you. Chicken sh*t stalkers.

My new motto is, “When in doubt, send it out!”  If I’m not absolutely sure they know about how much more fantabulous my life and kids are than theirs, the letter get’s stuffed.  Something to bring a little ray of sunshine into their dreary, mundane existence

Okay – the above is a bit tongue-in-cheek.  Maybe a lot.  But not the chicken sh*t stalker part…    I was actually channeling some of the people who send us Christmas letters.  You know – the eye-rolling kind of letters that make you wonder why neither they nor their kid(s) have been selected as Time’s Person of the Year yet because they’ve done everything but discover the cure for cancer.  No question that will happen in 2015 – or so they tell us.

Perfect family, perfect job, perfect life.  Yeah, right.  And I have some prime land in Florida to sell that you would love.  Cheap.

Are there Chanukah letters in Chanukah cards?  What about Ramadan?  Do Muslims send out Ramadan cards and if they do, do they include stuff like “my kid got a work promotion and is now a Vice President” news tidbits in a note?

I hope not.

It’s actually kind of sad.  It was one thing to write about your kid making the varsity soccer team when he was in high school.  It’s entirely a different thing to be doing the same type of thing when your “kid” is 35.  I always think that something important is missing from their lives to make them continue to live vicariously through their children and have to annually announce their perceived accomplishments.

But figuring out what that is, is out of my scope of practice.  All I can do is write my letter.  It usually includes tiny blurbs about my adult kids.  They’re doing great for which I am very thankful, but I have no desire to toot that horn ad nauseam at this point in my life.  It’s mostly about my husband and I, and how we are navigating this early winter season of our life.  More introspective than in the past. Less ego.

Tell the truth, shame the devil AGMA…  Yeah – okay, I did put in that I took three great trips this year and that I’m going to be a grandma in the next week.

THE NEXT WEEK!

Oops- again, did I say that out loud?

So I can’t wait to write my Christmas letter next year to tell everybody how little babyAGMA is so advanced for his age, and is talking and walking and potty trained and is already being recruited to play football by a major D1 college team.

And how everybody else’s grandkid is just a big loser.

I just love the holidays!