Put me in coach!



According to a piece on NPR’s Marketplace yesterday, parents are now hiring screen-free coaches for up to $200 an hour to “…guide parents in the implementation of “screen-free” activities.”


And AGMA heard a couple of young mothers talking a few days ago.  One said that she had to call the ‘sleep coach’ because their 3 year old wet the bed because she didn’t want to go to sleep.  The mom seriously had no idea how to handle it.

I ask again, WTF???

That’s right up there with the ‘postpartum doula’ concept.  They tell you what to do when you get home with your new baby.  Seriously?

At $100 to $200 per hour, AGMA wants to get in on this action.

Talk about easy money…

I can slap up a website and call it “AGMA’s ‘that’s what mothers and grandmother are for’ coaching”.  But that name might just be a bit off putting for some….


And for their $100 to $200 per hour, I’ll cover all the bases from bringing the baby home to helping them get the baby/toddler to sleep through the night to thinking of stuff for the little critters to do besides look at a screen.

AGMA will be the one stop coaching shop for parents!

To tease all of your folks out there who are itching to pay me $100 an hour (to build up my clientele, I’ll use the lower end of the pay grade…), I’ll give you a small sample of the my coaching wisdom.

Question:  What to do with the new baby when you get home?

Answer:  Feed it, burp it, change it, put it down for a nap, hold it, snuggle it, kiss it, sing to it, love it.  Pretty simple really…  

(AGMA is going to get serious for a hot minute…  Postpartum depression is real and nothing to joke about.  If this is an issue, mom needs seek help right away.)

Question:  I’m sleep deprived because my newborn needs to be fed every 2 to 3 hours.  What can I do?

Answer:  Welcome to the new parent club!  Did you really think you would get to sleep with a newborn?  Don’t worry about the household chores or ordering cute baby clothes on the Internet or getting on Facebook or Instagram or anything else having to do with technology.  When the baby sleeps, you sleep.  Period.

Question: How do I get my baby to sleep?

Answer:  When your baby gets tired, it will sleep. Trust me on this. Unless it has colic and then, yikes….you need to call in the reserves!

Question:  How can I keep my children busy/out of my hair without resorting to screen time?

Answer:  What did your parents let you to do?  You were raised pre-screens so let you kids do that same stuff.  Duh.

That’ll be $50 dollars please….

AGMA is wondering how we’ve gotten so far away from tapping into the wisdom of the elders in our society.  For millennia, young parents have been looking to their parents and grandparents for advice (free no less!) with great success.

You know, the village concept.

And although their parents and grandparents have successfully (most of the time…) raised children, some new parents refuse to tap into that rich source of knowledge.  They’d rather pay somebody with who knows what kind of credentials to tell them what to do with their kids.


But obviously, at that price, this type of coaching is only for folks of a certain income bracket.  Those outside of that income level are “stuck” with the wisdom of the village.

Maybe that’s not such a bad thing.

The Marketplace report did report on an interesting and disturbing result of the income gap regarding screen time.  Children in lower income families who generally live in low income areas tend to have more screen time because of cuts in funding for their schools.  In order to make up for the reduced budgets for teachers, they are forced to offer more material online.  More time staring at screens.  

We can ‘afford’ (not really…) to give the rich millions and millions in tax breaks, but we can’t seem to afford to educate our children in a healthy manner.  How does that work again?

As for AGMA, my new business is still in the concept phase.

I like the tough love approach, but realize that to make the big bucks, I need to act like my potential clients are the only people in the world who ever had children.   And that their children will certainly be the most brilliant, unique, talented and successful individuals who ever walked the earth.  

AGMA needs to get her schmooze on big time.

But I’m not sure I can pull it off.  

I’m much too practical, and believe that you’re not meant to be your child’s friend until they are adults and living on their own.  While they are young, you are the parent and they are they child.

And yes, you ARE the boss of them.

If AGMA would get a call in the middle of the night from the parent who’s child peed in the bed, I can see me telling them to just ignore it and go back to sleep.  A night spent avoiding a big wet spot on the sheets is a ‘teachable moment’ and very likely, won’t happen again.  

Yeah – I can’t see that conversation going over very well.

But honestly, it costs next to nothing to put up a website, and I do have real life experience AND an MBA (that really has nothing to do with parenting, but it will look good next to my name…)

Maybe if AGMA offers a free 10 minute chair massage with each consulting session?



33 thoughts on “Put me in coach!

  1. I’m going to pretend I have a kid just to get the massage! Seriously, though, I think people need to start having to pass a test (besides the pregnancy test) to have children. Perhaps your business cold include prep classes for that test? :))

    Liked by 2 people

  2. this is the absolutely craziest thing I have ever heard…………people have no clue how to do anything but stare into computers and phones.
    ……when your business takes off and you need to hire more people, let me know!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I receive frequent calls from my children as they raise their children. The phrase I hear so often is, “how did you do it, mom?” to which I reply, “the same way you are.”. The bombardment of information hurled at young parents is astounding. I am thankful for much of my ignorance as a new mom. Holding and loving was the thing I relied on most.

    Liked by 2 people

    • You’re luck Maggie that your kids call you about this stuff. For some reason lots of well off millennials think that they have to pay for advice that their parents or in-laws can give them for free. And they think they are the only ones to have the issues parents have been having since time began. We didn’t have much when our kids came along and we had no family close by, but we managed and were creative and actually had fun along the way. Not sure young parent nowadays are having fun… 😦


    • Ha! You’re right…I should delete it, but not because of the free advice. I need to delete it because nobody would ever hire me because I’m so snarky! I need to figure out a way to “massage” my advice so it doesn’t sound like a slap up the side of their heads (which is what it is!) And sorry for the delay in responding – your comment went in the “Pending” folder and I just missed it. Sorry…!!!


    • Agreed! I think it’s going to be very hard for parents to get their children off of the screens if they themselves are glued to them. Just like when my kids were growing up – Hubs and I kept TV watching to a minimum and put the TV in the basement to discourage our kids from zoning out watching that screen!


  4. AGMA, I agree with everything you say…except the bed wetting part. I was a “bed wetter” when I was a child, even well into grade school. It was not done out of spite because I didn’t want to go to sleep (and how would a mother know that for sure anyway?) It would happen after I was asleep. Every. Night. My sainted mother did not make a fuss about it or try to shame me with a teachable moment. She dutifully changed the sheets and my nightclothes every morning, and often during the night. (She did put a rubber sheet under the bed sheet to protect the bed.) There was no way I could spend the night at a friend’s home or go to a sleep away camp until I was much older. I did feel ashamed, though. How could I possibly not? Maybe nowadays I would have been hauled into a psychologist’s office to find out the “deeper meaning” of it all, or to a pediatrician’s office for tests, etc. I eventually grew out of it,and the thumb sucking. With that, thankfully, my parents didn’t try the usual remedies of the day to deter me, i.e., covering my thumb with yucky stuff or tying my hand down so I couldn’t use it. They just showed patience. And love.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Let me clarify…this little girl that I mentioned IS doing this out of anger. These days, there are nighttime pull-ups for the newly potty trained or older kids who wet at night (both my grands wear them) She does as well… She purposely takes off her nighttime pull up and pees in the bed because she is angry she’s being put to bed. Very different scenario… Sounds like you had wonderful parents who were understanding and compassionate! You lucky dog you…

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Brilliant idea, especially the business name you’ve chosen for it. I say add six more words to it, and it’ll really roll off the tongue. 😉

    And yes, we can offer tax cuts to all the zillionaires out there, but heaven forbid we make some major funding into education. Well said! – Marty

    Liked by 1 person

  6. LMAO. I love the sarcasm. I see the other side to this issue. I have a neurodiverse kiddo with special needs. She didn’t sleep for the first 2.5 years of her life. And I was the only parent. Between five to eight times a night, every night, I was up. And I tried everything. I read everything. And nothing worked, because her brain didn’t work the way others did, and it didn’t make me a shitty parent, even though I felt like one every day for those 2.5 years. Not meaning to stir the pot, and I come from 30 years as a competitive figure skating coach who was known for being kind but no-nonsense. Sometimes, asking for help doesn’t make us week, it makes us human. I enjoy your writing and no -nonsense style, thanks for the read.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks for the LMAO!! You really did deal with a whole lot… You certainly are a survivor and so is your child! How are things going now? We, as parents, are always the harder on ourselves than anybody else is on us (even in-laws! Ha!). My kids are 37 and 35 and I still kick myself in the ass mentally for some of things I feel I failed at when the were young. And I’m totally all about asking for help if you need it. That’s the whole village concept! But I think people charging $200 an hour to help parents figure out how to reduce their kids screen time is totally insane. Unless they pay me $200 an hour and then it’s a prudent decision! Ha! Thanks again for your comment!


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