A sandwich and an apple

dagwood-sandwich.png

AGMA’s tired.

I awakened at 4:20 AM and couldn’t go back to sleep.  I knew that Son #1 and wife just checked into a hospital in Chicago 5 minutes earlier to start…

The Great Baby Watch of 2019!

My third grandchild is about to be born.  Maybe.

He/she seems to be a bit reluctant to appear.  Evidently it’s pretty cozy there in my DIL’s womb (what a great word!)   I don’t blame the munchkin.

It ain’t all rainbows and unicorns on the outside.

I mean, my God, Donald Trump is President.  That’s enough to make a little one want to stay put until, say, 2020.  It’s enough to make me want to find a roomy womb to crawl into to wait until, say, 2020.

But instead, AGMA had a colonoscopy.

Nice segue right?

Colonoscopies are actually rather comic affairs and a great subject for a blog post if handled delicately.  Or not.  Here’s my first post on the experience.

AGMA’s had 3 in the last 8 years.

2011 was a standard preventative screening.  The 2016 was because I was having “issues”.  This one was a “hey, let’s take a look to see what’s going on in there cuz it’s been 3 years.” one.

Since this isn’t my first rodeo, AGMA tells the doctors office what kind of prep I want.  OTC all the way for me.  None of that prescription prep stuff if they want me to actually drink it.  Yuck.

I used a store brand version of Miralax and mixed it with orange gatorade. It was pretty tasty.  For the first 3 glasses.

After that, I got kinda sick of orange gatorade.

And I got sick of jello jigglers too.  They’re fun and games when you first start jiggling and eating them, but since that’s basically ALL you can eat for the entire day before, they get pretty old pretty fast.  To mix things up, I decided to have a couple of cups of chicken broth.

I know – I’m a wild woman.

What AGMA finds fascinating is the huge part your mind plays in the prep process.  You know you basically can’t eat the entire day before the procedure, so you don’t really get all that hungry.

I wish I could trick my brain into thinking every day was the day before a colonoscopy.

Anyway, the gatorade elixir worked its magic and AGMA could boldly declare later that night “This house is clear!”

The next day, we toddled off to the outpatient surgery center where they treated me like a queen.  Seriously.  Warm blankets, warm socks, a nice cushy bed.  Almost made the day before worth it.

Almost.

Three different people quizzed me on what I ate the day before.  I thought that was odd.  Until hubs and I heard the guy next to me.  Then we realized why they quiz people multiple times.

“A sandwich and an apple.”

That was his answer to the “What did you eat yesterday?” question.  And he too was getting a colonoscopy.  Maybe.

The nurse asked if he had received the prep instructions from his doctor’s office.  Yes, he had.

The nurse asked if he had read it.  Yes, he had.

I couldn’t see the nurse, but I could actually hear her eyes rolling back in her head.

He had two options:

  1.  They could try to “flush” him out with water in the procedure room, if the doctor gave his okay.  Wouldn’t you hate to be one of the techs to draw the short straw to work in THAT procedure room?
  2. He could cancel the procedure for that day and would have to do the prep all over again for another appointment on another day.  Minus the sandwich and apple.

At that point, AGMA was rolled out of my cubby to the procedure room so never found out what option sandwich guy went for.

I truly hope that sammy was worth all the hassle.

Per standard AGMA, I chatted up everybody in the procedure room (my doc included) until the anesthesia tech started the propofol.  “See everybody later.” I said and promptly zonked out.

I think they just wanted me to shut up.

Did AGMA mention that I LOVE propofol?  It is GREAT stuff and you wake up back in your cubby feeling like you had the best nap ever.

Unfortunately they cut me off a little early and I woke up in the procedure room as they were getting me ready to wheel me back to my cubby.

Bastards!

But the good news was that everything looked great – much better than 3 years ago.  And I don’t have to do a repeat performance for another 5 years.

Yeah!

Now for the public service announcement…

As much as I like to make fun of colonoscopies, they DO save lives.  According to the American Cancer Society, colorectal cancer is the third most common cancer diagnosed in the US.  It’s also the second most common cause of cancer deaths when men and women’s numbers are combined.  Overall, the lifetime risk of developing colorectal cancer is about 1 in 22 for men and 1 in 24 for women.

Two years ago, during a normal, screening colonoscopy, Hubs had a large polyp removed.  Turns out there were cancer cells in it.  It was caught very early and he just had to have a minor procedure to remove the area around the polyp.  He had clear margins and didn’t require any other treatment.  He returns to his colorectal surgeon on a regular basis for rechecks.

Early screening saved Hubs life.

If you’re over 50 and haven’t had a colonoscopy yet, get thyself to the GI doctor!   And if it’s been over 10 years since your last colonoscopy, call today to get an appointment for another one ASAP.

I love all my blog friends and want all of you to be reading AGMA for years to come.

In the meantime, The Great Baby Watch of 2019 continues…

I can’t wait to tell my new grandchild when he/she gets older that I blogged about his/her birth in a colonoscopy post.

I hope they have an AGMA sense of humor…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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21 thoughts on “A sandwich and an apple

  1. Fun/funny post. You did good – writing about the arrival of a grandchild AND a colonoscopy all in one fell swoop. (I think there’s a colon joke in there, but don’t want to try hard enough to find it). I remember the anxiety of waiting for a grandchild once I knew daughter and SIL, and then son and DIL, were in the hospital. I’ve gone through that anxiety six times. Enough is enough, I told them. Six grandchildren is just perfect. 🙂 So glad your colonoscopy came out clear. I’ve had bad luck with mine – my body is extra sensitive to the prep AND the anesthesia and I end up in the hospital with those repercussions. So my doc has me taking the newest test (Colon Guard) that’s not as good as a colonoscopy, but better than not having one at all.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I have a friend who is super sensitive to the prep and especially the anesthesia. Like you, it can hospitalize her. She had been doing the ColoGuard thing, but it showed a positive result so she had to do the real thing. She’s fine – I guess those things come up with false positives sometimes.

      Ah…6 grandchildren! How fortunate you are! This will be it for us. Son#1 and DIL have told us that they are done. Son#2 thinks getting married and having a family would be akin to doing colonoscopy prep every day of his life. I would love to have more though. Oh well… So if you have a 7th, I don’t want to hear any complaints! Ha!

      Liked by 1 person

      • Wow. Glad your friend with the Colonguard is alright. Yes, my doctors decided risk vs risk, better for me not to be hospitalized. Six grandchildren is fabulous and exhausting! We try to take just one at a time for fun and games – That way they get individual attention and we can move when they go home. 🙂 Both our son and our daughter say that their families are complete. I’ll say!

        Liked by 1 person

  2. When I saw the title (“A sandwich and an apple.”) and saw the post was about a colonoscopy, I was immediately reminded of a joke my dad used to tell: A guy goes to the doctor and finds out he has a tape worm. The doctor gives him explicit instructions on how to get rid of it, but he must follow them exactly. He gives him apples, cookies, and a hammer. So, the first night he puts an apple “where the sun don’t shine,” followed by a cookie. On the second night, he does the same. And on the third night, the apple is again followed by a cookie. Then on the fourth night, it’s only the apple. When the tape worm comes out and asks “Where’s my cookie?”, he smashes him with the hammer. Bada-bum, ching! Thank you ladies and germs, I’ll be here all week! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • OMG that was so funny!! I told Hubs and he howled! Classic… For whatever sick and twisted reason, I think that these “kind” of jokes are particularly witty. And I’m glad that my post brought your father and his funny, funny story to mind! Thanks for sharing my trailer park friend!!

      Liked by 1 person

  3. People are stupid. I had a neighbor whose husband was going in for some rather serious surgical procedure. Because he was so scared, he decided to have a few drinks the morning of the procedure. When he showed up intoxicated, the procedure was cancelled and he was sent home. Idiot.

    The Miralax prep for the colonoscopy is the best. I also mixed mine with orange Gatorade, but then I chilled it until it thickened a bit. Went down just like a Creamsickle! (‘course now I’m no longer overly fond of Creamsickles).

    Glad your colonoscopy got good results. Having battled ulcerative colitis for many years, I know how important it is to undergo that procedure regularly. Allow me to jump on your bandwagon with my last colonoscopy story – I was awake during the entire procedure so I can cover what you didn’t: https://cordeliasmomstill.com/2018/04/23/what-is-a-colonoscopy-really-like-the-procedure-and-recovery/

    Liked by 1 person

    • Oh my goodness – he was drunk when he went to the hospital?? That’s pretty classic!

      I’m normally a pretty good IV person – my veins are really obvious and really stick out. But I think they were all in a hurry when I was there so the nurse really had a hard time getting the needle in the right place. It hurt! And she put it in the back of my hand and I HATE that location for an IV. Turns out, she stuck me good… When they took the needle out after the procedure, it bled through the gauze they put over it. I noticed it when the flannel blanket I was covered with started to turn red in spots. Oops – sorry for bleed on your bedding… And of course I had a MASSIVE hematoma on my hand. Charming.

      The awake thing is interesting and personally, I would love to watch. I woke up once during a procedure and saw the screen with my innards on it. I asked, “Is that me?” at which point they upped the flow of my happy juice and I was gone again. But I’ve never not remembered what the doc as said to me afterwards. Either I clear that junk out of my system pretty quick or they use some super dooper stuff that wears off fast.

      Still waiting for the path reports on the samples and polyps, but the doctor was amazed because there were no signs of the UC that was there 3 years ago. I know I still have it – or at least I did last Nov/Dec when I was in a flare. I guess it’s just gone into hiding… I hope it stays that way!

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Haha… a 2-for-1 post! You sure know how to give us readers a bang for the buck! Oh wait, we don’t pay you. 😉
    Glad to hear the results of your recent colonoscopy were good. Hope you gave grandbaby news soon!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. What? I think writing about butt checks is a perfect segue from mentioning Trump. Wait no, at least the butt checks are helpful. Maybe the better segue for Trump is the, um, “products” of the Miralax-Gatorade cleansing.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks!! Still waiting on the path reports but then I’ve always believed that no news is good news. Oh and the baby did come that day! I’ll be writing about HIM soon… So I forget – where’s your next trip?

      Like

  6. I am glad you talk about the importance of screening….among the humor. I’ve also been the lucky recipient of 3 colonoscopies so far. Still awaiting the “10-year clean” result …sigh. And even though i hate the prep, and have horrible veins for IV (black & blue on both arms last time), it’s worth it versus the alternative. Congrats on another grand baby – everyone is healthy and happy I hope!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Glad you listened to the advice to have your first colonoscopy when you turn 50 (or 51!). I had 2 polyps removed and they were sort of pre-pre cancerous, but which only means that I need another check up in 5 years. I can deal with that! And I’ve always said worrying isn’t really productive until you know you have something to worry about. And then, you take action rather than worry. I hope all turns out well with the pathology! Thanks for commenting!

      Like

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