Nec-ked and unafraid

 

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CAUTION:  This may be a TMI post to some.  Especially some of you gentle testosterone laden souls.  You’ve been warned… 

A friend I hadn’t talked to for a while called me the other day.  Her husband was out of town and she had just finished up a very busy month of travel and obligations at home. 

She was in bed planning to take a nap after our call.

But during the conversation, her brother decided to pop in for a visit and just strolled unannounced into her bedroom.  AGMA’s pretty sure he has boundary issues…

She whispered, “I gotta go.  I’m naked under the covers and need to shoo him out so I can get dressed.”

She took all her clothes off for a nap?  And her husband was 100’s of miles away?   She was naked just for the fun of it?  WTF?

AGMA was taken aback.

I’ve never been very fond of prancing in my birthday suit and it kind of surprises me when people are.

When I was young – 5 maybe – my mother, sister and I went on vacation with my aunt, uncle and cousin.  We shared a rented cottage on…wait for it…

Lake Erie!

And this was back in the day when it was spontaneously combusting because there was so much industrial waste/toxic chemicals in it.  Okay, maybe the fire was a little bit later – 1969 – but you know that sh*t had to have been building up for years!

But hey, the cottage rental was probably cheap and we could drive there. And we weren’t going to spend that much time submerged in the sludge so it was all good.

I remember getting ready to go to the beach and running out of the cottage without my bathing suit on because I was so excited.  

AGMA was evidently fine going commando back in the day.

I don’t remember anything else about that vacation other than running out of the cottage naked, and getting yelled at by everybody to go back in and put some clothes on.

And the body shaming begins… 

Like most young women, when I hit puberty, things started changing and looking “different”.

My step-mother took me to the lingerie section of the local department store to get fitted for my first bra.  I remember lots and lots of wooden drawers with bras and panties in them, and the whole place smelled like my grandmothers parlor.

It was the shopping trip from hell

It was bad enough that I had to take my shirt off, but then this “old” lady (probably the age I am now…) had to actually touch me when she measured me in various places. While my step-mother and the rest of the store staff looked on.

Okay, maybe not the whole staff, but it felt like a lot of folks were staring at my “buds”.

Once the measuring was done, the torture was to continue…

After rifling through multiple wooden drawers, the sales lady came back to the fitting room with several bras in my size (probably 26AAAAA).

The trying on process involved pulling and pushing and strap adjusting and lots of clinical touching trying to make everything fit the way it should.

AGMA understands that this was normal protocol for the Are You Being Served crew, but to a 12 year old, it was totally humiliating.  

As I got older and the “girls” blossomed, it became evident to AGMA that something wasn’t quite right.

I’d seen my older sister without her bra and her girls were happy, perky and at attention.  She could totally get away without wearing a bra underneath her shirts and look great. 

I mean, this was the 60’s and bra burning was a thing right? 

My girls, on the other hand, appeared as if they’d just run a half-marathon without carb loading the night before.  They looked exhausted, sad, and were definitely unperky-ish.   

AGMA realized it was a bad case of saggy boobs.

No bra burning in my future.  I needed all the help I could get.

As a matter of fact, as I got older, I started having to buy steel reinforced bras (underwires) with wide straps and backs to help winch the ladies up to at least appear to act like they were trying to pay attention.

Sometimes it works.

But once the bra is off, they’re off to the barcalounger to watch Oprah reruns.

AGMA’s pretty sure that my lazy ladies are a big part of the reason I never liked going commando as an adult.  

All that flipping and flopping just isn’t comfortable. 

But one of my best friend is YUGELY BIG up top.  I mean so big she has to custom order her bras.  Massive, to the point where she gets backaches at times.  

And she prances around her house naked all the time.

WTF?

Maybe AGMA has other issues besides the flipping and flopping?

The times I tried to sleep naked, I’d have the “cafeteria” bad dream.  You know, the one where you are either behind the counter serving or you are in line getting food, and you’re naked.  But nobody else seems to notice or care but you.

It’s quite unsettling.

So yeah, maybe something else is going on.  But at this stage of my life, AGMA thinks it’s probably a moot point.

Although I’ve often thought that maybe a trip to a nudist beach or resort might help.  

I’m pretty sure that, years ago, I bought into that perfect body image lie that our culture promotes with such vigor.  The unspoken notion that we should be ashamed of our bodies and need to “fix” them if they aren’t happy, perky and attentive.

Maybe seeing other imperfect people might help.

Doubtful.

But if I do go, anybody else interested?  It could be a vacation of a lifetime.  One you’ll never forget.

No matter how many pharmaceuticals you take.

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21 thoughts on “Nec-ked and unafraid

  1. My girls, sounds like, are like your girls. We see perky and think all breasts are. If age has taught me anything, womens physiques are all different. The push up bras of the 50s changed how everyone thinks the perfect breast should be. I do feel sorry for the young perky ones, as they will go south one day. I do not have to worry about that!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Before you do your Bare Ass Extravagance, you need to get another tattoo. Something really wild and crazy, that can only be viewed when you are unencumbered by clothing.
    You do THAT, and I’m in. Had to get naked with strangers in the ladies locker room of the Blue Lagoon, so I’m experienced.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. You had me laughing hard here, but I think it’s best that I comment only on the naked part. A male friend of mine has been to a handful of clothing-optional resorts (okay, perhaps “handful” is probably bad form here), and he’s a big enthusiast. I myself don’t think I could ever do it — it isn’t so much other people looking at me, but rather having to possibly interact with them. Them, me, us all naked. I just suspect maintaining eye contact during a conversation is challenging. But please do go, AGMA. I’m sure just your blog statistics alone would sky rocket. Oh dear, that phrasing might also be bad form! – Marty

    Liked by 2 people

    • “Handful” – classic!! You had me laughing there Marty! And glad I could make you laugh (it IS funny after all!)

      My guess is that, after a while at those resorts, you don’t really notice that everybody is naked. Or that could just be AGMA wishful thinking. If it wasn’t for the ladies, I don’t think I would mind giving it a try. It’s just that they are so sad most of the time. Best to keep them contained even though I agree with you, my “sagging” blog stats would definitely go on the upswing. Oh dear – I think I’m making it worse!

      Liked by 1 person

  4. My husband and I had a long period of time when we frequented hot springs, usually naturally occurring ones, which are magnets for folks who like to get naked together. We hiked into one in Oregon once that was running over with naked old hippies. We stopped and stood on the little footbridge that crossed the creek they were in, looked things over, and left. Not our thing. We were also in one in the desert once when three guys walked up, dropped their drawers and hopped in with us and the nice old man who lived at a nearby ranch and visited it daily. AWKWARD! But once they were in the water it wasn’t so bad. I was raised to be modest about such things but lots of people either weren’t or just have different boundaries about nakedness I guess. Personally, I think a nice bathing suit is much more appealing, and you can find plenty with push up bras built right in AGMA! Although, ouch, just thinking about those things makes my eyes water.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Oh Ilona…I HAVE to have built in “stuff” in my bathing suit to keep the girls from going too crazy. If I just have one of those tops that you pull up and tie the straps/cords around your neck, I end up pulling my neck forward because the ladies require so much “pulling up” and the strap has to be real tight. Finding the right bathing suit is a major pain in the arse!

      I keep thinking of that scene in the nudist camp from the original Pink Panther with Peter Sellers. Hysterical!!

      Liked by 1 person

      • Not a bad idea, but I did that for a few weeks during physical therapy and it didn’t help! Keep in eye out for a post in a few weeks about the same subject. I bought a dress to wear to a wedding that has a scoop back so I have to figure out how to keep the girls “awake” during the wedding and reception! Should be a hoot!

        Like

  5. Every once in a while in the women’s locker room at my gym there will be some older gal who lets it “all hang out” after her swim in the pool. There are shower stalls with curtains, but…no. These ladies insist on coming out into the common area to get dressed. One time a woman came in with her little five or six year old son during one of these episodes and I thought his eyeballs were going to fall out of their sockets. Poor kid was probably ruined for life. My son-in-law says there are old guys in the men’s locker room who parade around in the same way. This is why God invented underwear, people.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Wonderful humor and also in the comments. Being ne-kid is reportedly to be good for self confidence and for the skin. I have never been super comfortable ne-kid but love if I find a private area in the lake and swim nekid for the thrill and feel of it. An acquaintance said his family were nekid in their home and it promoted self confidence. I dont walk around nekid at home even when I am alone so it made me wonder why not?
    Anyway, perfect bodies are on magazine covers, we all have to accept who and what we are. I have always felt bashful about my left arm with the fistula bulge it has for dialysis and wore long sleeve shirts at work even in summer. I think I like that as people get older they are accepting of themselves and “let loose”. 😉

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks for the compliment!! And yeah – walking around in your house new-ked?? WTF? I just don’t get that…

      My step-mother had a home built with her ex in the middle of 5 wooded acres that was very private. I moved there when she was married to my dad. There was in-ground pool that was crumbling and unusable when I got there. But I remember her telling me that she and her ex used to love to swim nude in the pool and how wonderful it was. As a 12 year old, I was shocked: 1. That she swam naked and 2. That she would tell me about it.

      Good for you and your neck-ed swimming! I’m kind of sad that I’ve never felt like that was something I could do and feel comfortable. 😦

      Like

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  9. It took me about 15 years after realizing that I’d be stuck for life with a willy that didn’t grow as expected during puberty until I braved a nudist beach. Interestingly, on one occasion, I bumped into my boss who is proportioned similar to your friend. There we were, making small talk, looking for that opportunity to end the conversation and run – her taking her pendulous mountains with her; me taking my bobbing flesh-acorn.

    It is something we’ve never spoken about.

    Liked by 1 person

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