Mirror, mirror…

fun-house-mirror

Most women have a love/hate relationship with their mirrors.  I know that’s a huge generalization about women.  I hate generalizations.

Many women have a love/hate relationship with their mirrors.  Still too much stereotyping, right?

Okay, AGMA has a love/hate relationship with her mirror.

I know that some men probably do as well.  A few, maybe?  Standing on a busy, crowded street corner, it’s obvious that there are men who clearly haven’t looked into a mirror in a while.  A long while.  I’m pretty sure the last time my husband really took a good gander was in 2006.

I really don’t understand how mirrors are made.  I think they slater some sort of silver reflective stuff on a piece of glass, pop it into a frame and voila!  And I don’t understand how some flat-as-a-pancake mirrors – not fun house wavy – reflect your image so differently than others.

I am, of course, talking about SKINNY mirrors and – the bane of my existence – FAT mirrors.

I have a full length mirror hooked onto a closet door in my bedroom.  To my horror, the first time I looked into it, I realized it was a FAT mirror.  Oh – the gnashing of teeth that has gone on since then…

I try to avoid looking in it as much as possible.

And of course, because it was an El Cheapo mirror purchased at a Walmart (before it was converted to patriot detention center ala Jade Helm 15), it was made in China. Coincidence?  I don’t think so…

The FAT mirrors fit right into the Chinese plan for world domination.  Somehow. Probably by lowering our morale.  Not too smart on their part.  The run up to the 2016 U.S. election will do that for them.  We’ll all be shell shocked zombies by then.

Still, I blame the Chinese. You can read the first installment about the plans for Chinese world domination through Christmas card glitter here.

This past weekend we hung a 2X4 foot decorative mirror on the wall on the landing of our stairs leading down to our garage.  Now I can see myself every time I go to use my car.  Every.Single.Time.  For the love of God, what was I thinking?

But it’s a NEUTRAL mirror.  That’s good because it’s nearly two flights of steps to go back to my bedroom to change into more flattering, less fattening looking clothing.

A few weeks ago, I worked up my nerve, stepped up to my FAT mirror and laughed in it’s face.  Actually I guess I laughed in the chubby-cheeked reflection of my face.

“You will not have the last word!”, I declared. “I will know that I have reached the promise land of weight loss and fitness when a svelte, fit AGMA stares back a me!  And that day is coming my friend….  That day is coming!”

And I might be just a bit crazy…

But to hasten that day, I bought a Groupon-type three month membership to a local gym.  I’m currently having an affair with the rowing machine there.  I rendezvous with it twice a week.  Don’t tell my husband.

A rowing machine can give you an amazing, almost full-body workout.  It’s a tough, sweaty 40 minutes.  And then I smoke a cigarette and ask it if it was as good for it that it was for me.

But it’s worth every drop of sweat because…

They have a full length SKINNY mirror in the locker room!!  A SKINNY mirror, for the love of Pete!

And I look absolutely fabulous in it, darling, in my cute little workout clothes.  Well, they’re actually my running clothes that I force into multitasking, but the mirror and folks at the gym don’t have to know that.

I’m sure it’s an “intentional” SKINNY mirror.  The gym wants you to become addicted to seeing a funhouse version of your body.  And I think I might have to join the gym when my three months is up in September.  It’s all part of their diabolical plan.

But no matter how crappy my week is, there is harmony in the universe when I look into that mirror.  I hear wind chimes and chanting, and see rainbows and unicorns.

It’s obvious that my image is as distorted in that mirror as in the FAT one I have at home.  But it encourages me.  It makes be want to continue exercising like Richard Simmons and eating like Twiggy at a Weight Watchers convention.  It makes me want to learn French, go zip lining and make a soufflé.  It makes me want to be a better woman.

Take that you Chinese Politbureau! Your evil scheme to demoralize us with distorted images of ourselves has been foiled.

We are perfectly capable of demoralizing ourselves without your help, thank you very much.

Our politicians – and Donald Trump (who I truly believe is actually an alien given a semi-human disguise like in the movie Men In Black) – pretty much will make sure of that.

Can we just all go into hibernation until after the 2016 election?  I’m pretty sure I’d lose more weight…

Advertisements

36 thoughts on “Mirror, mirror…

    • OMG – she scared the crap out of me as a child! There was some very dark stuff in those early Disney animated features. The whole Bambi’s mom getting shot thing was horrific to me. And seeing Snow White laid out in a glass coffin… I still get shivers!

      Liked by 1 person

    • We were getting beyond curves and going in for the Blue whale look! But I get it – we’re such a anti-curve society to an extreme which isn’t right because we all come in so many different shapes and sizes!

      I’m doing it more for my running and my over all health. I was headed down a hot-mess path health wise… And I think I will be able to run a bit faster without carrying the two 10 lb bowling balls on my thighs! Well – maybe a little bit… 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  1. You are so funny! I only have mirrors that reflect from just below my boobs up. I saw a photo of myself from last week and thought “who cut and pasted my torso to some heavy persons hips, thighs and stomach?” I still haven’t found the culprit.

    Liked by 3 people

    • I love the “if I don’t see it it doesn’t exist” strategy! Brilliant!

      Funny you mentioned the photo… I was in a timed run last weekend and at a lot of those runs, they have photographers. I’ve only ordered a few pictures of all the run’s I’ve been in the past because I just looked like such a blob. So I was kind of excited to see last week’s run pictures of my new, svelte self. I stared at them disbelief wondering who pasted those largish hips & cubby legs in my torso. 🙂 and *sigh*!

      But if you can’t laugh at it, what’s the alternative? Thanks so much for the compliment and for inspiring me to get all new mirrors!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Dear AGMA,

    Gosh was I wondering where you were going with this mirror thing. Until “our politicians … will pretty much make sure of that.” One would wonder if the most famous 2016 election candidate has an Huge Ego reflective miror!?!

    “Mirror, mirror on the wall, tell me who is the foolest of all.”

    I have to admit to some sense of superiority. Our “dear Prime Minister” has started the Canadian 2015 Election campaign. Yes! You read well! 2015!!! Only three months to go!!! Only three months of this monkey say, monkey do business. Only three months of feeling depressed!

    And four more years with the idiot!

    Excusez la!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Oh – I truly hope we don’t have 4 future years with an idiot after having to endure 18 months of “campaigning” (not even sure that’s what it is any more it’s just all so slimy and nasty and filthy…) That would just be sooooo depressing. It would be like George W Bush all over again and I seriously don’t think I could stand that.

      I’m sure, sharing a continent with us, you have some idea of how incredibly horrible our election cycle is (it starts actually right after the previous election!) It makes raving lunatics out of perfectly sane people! I think U.S. bloggers are going to have to be very careful about how much political stuff they put into their blogs – we could give our non-U.S, readers “American election fatigue” and alienate all of them. Plus they wouldn’t believe half of what we write because it’s just so damned CRAZY! Oops – did I say that out loud? I mean, in how many civilized and even non-civilized countries would Donald Trump be a party front runner. You just can’t make this *hit up!

      Well, I feel better… Thanks for letting me rant! 🙂

      Like

  3. Haha hilarious as always AGMA!
    I’m convinced they have FAT mirrors in my gym!
    I wish they made TALL mirrors?

    Could never find the words to describe Trump but I think you’ve nailed it, if only we all had ‘neuralyzers’ and could erase him from our minds!!! Xo

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank so much!! And being 5’2″ and shrinking, I echo your desire for TALL mirrors!! Yes – it is a bit weird the gym has a SKINNY mirror. I think it’s cleaver mind games on their part. I seriously don’t want to leave the gym because of the mirror. I love looking at myself in it even though I know it’s not quite accurate! Ha!

      And the alien thing just explains soooo much right? Maybe someday, hopefully soon, the mother ship will come and take him back to the planet Egomania!

      Like

    • Thanks for sharing! Fascinating history… I really like the lazy person’s solution of the sign of the cross over $5 bill… Does that have to be an ancient Roman $5 bill or just any old $5 bill? And I didn’t know the Romans used dollars! 😉

      I love that there is a website called “mirrorhistory.com” Who knew?

      Thanks again for the info. As I always say, every day’s a school day!

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I was with you until you started bashing men (not Donald Trump, actual men). I do look in the mirror, and if I don’t like what I see, I say to myself, “It is what it is. If you don’t like it, change it.” That really doesn’t work, I just needed to say it. Funny post.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks! And you made me chuckle for an extended period of time with “not Donald Trump, actual men” Just so classic and so true…

      My apologies for picking on men. AGMA does NOT want to offend. Too badly… Glad to hear that you have a good relationship with you’re mirror that you must gaze into, what, 2 or 3 times a year? Just repeat after me, “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough and doggone it, people like me!”

      Thanks for keeping me honest!

      Like

  5. I feel your pain! You know how it is said that in photos we all look ten pounds heavier? I wonder if even regular mirrors do the same thing! After all we are only two dimensional in a mirror just like in a photograph. We must look slimmer when the fleshy parts are squished into two dimensions instead of the three dimensions they deserve!!Right?? Hope this helps explain the mystery!!

    Liked by 1 person

    • I think you’re onto something!! It’s all about the space-time-multidimensional Higgs Bozon particle continuum and we’re actually are HALF the size of the reflection that appears in the mirror!

      And about that 10 pound heavier thing in a picture – what’s up with that? I thought I was looking all cute at the beach with my little short sleeved white tissue fabric top and my cute shorts. Then I saw the picture of me that my niece took of me in my cute little outfit and suddenly I was back in Blue whale territory. So disheartening. I need a hit of SKINNY mirror!

      Liked by 1 person

      • No, embrace the older, wiser, more fun loving older woman that you are now. We don’t need to be skinny any more. Four times now I’ve lost 10 pounds in my life. I always gained it back but stayed right where I was before. Just enjoy life. A comedian Iglesias(?) Once said you might die tomorrow regretting that you didn’t eat that piece of chocolate cake you wanted. Lol

        Liked by 1 person

  6. Where have you been all my life, AGMA? You’re genuinely funnier than the majority of people I know. Thank you for posting this and making me laugh for the first time today. ^o^

    Liked by 1 person

    • Honestly – you’ve given me the best compliment I could ever ask for! If I can get a couple of chuckles out of folks (on my alleged funny posts, not the occasional serious ones that is…) then I’ve done my “job”. I guess I’m trying to do my small part to counteract the effects of all the horrible news we seem to be constantly being bombarded with in our instant access social media culture. There are good hormones that get released in your body when you laugh that help you relax, de-stress and just feel better. I think we all need to laugh more!

      And how old are you? I’d be happy to run down all the places I’ve lived so you can track where I’ve been all your life…

      Liked by 1 person

      • Anytime haha. I couldn’t agree more. There’s so much going on around the world and even here at home that it gets overwhelming you know? I just needed to getaway, virtually that is. So I joined WordPress only a matter of days ago and came across your blog. I’ve dug into some of your old posts and read to my heart’s delight. You make me smile. I wouldn’t like to reveal my age though, weird I know. But I am quite quitee young. Indeed we all need to loosen up and have someone make us laugh more often. And you happen to do that quite well. 😀

        Liked by 1 person

      • Hello! Sorry it’s taken me so long to reply… Sometimes comments on some of my older posts get “lost” in the tangled web that is my brain! So happy you’re part of the WordPress family! And I’m so glad that you like my writing. It’s not all spot on – I do write some stinkers sometime. But bear with me – I can usually recover! Thanks so much for reading AGMA and taking the time to comment!

        Like

    • I’ll drink to that!!

      Seriously, thank you! And I’m just soooo happy that you enjoyed it! Please stop by AGMA again. I can’t guarantee you’ll always laugh so hard you’ll cry, but you’ll pretty much always want to have a stiff drink afterwards!

      Like

  7. Dear Aging, How old are you anyway?!
    I am NOT aging gracefully, I’m prematurely gray (well white really!), no such thing as gray hair), and my family protests loudly when I don’t color it a nice light ash brown! My body is also aging quicker than I ever imagined it would as a young skinny wife and mother. Oh well, at least I don’t have may smaile lines and wrinkles since I don’t smile too much! LOL

    Like

    • 61 soon to be 62 but, shhhhh, don’t tell anybody… And did you know that silver/white is the latest hair coloring craze? I got my haircut this morning and my stylist said that people are paying big money to have their hair look like mine! So I got that going for me… I have a friend who is like 10 years younger than me and her hair is total white and it looks fabulous!

      I also have another friend (my age) who had lovely white hair, but she felt like she had to color it because she had a child later in life and everybody thought she was her daughter’s grandmother.

      If you like your white, tell your family that for your long term health you don’t want to expose your scalp to the toxic chemical in commercial hair coloring anymore. That should quiet them down! 🙂

      So I hope you make AGMA a part of your weekly reading ritual and hopefully smile more! I don’t mind my winkles as long as they are from smiling or laughing. Maybe more smiling/laughing would help slow down some of those signs of aging you’re talking about… They say that your brain puts out all kind of good chemicals that keep you healthy when you laugh.

      And I am NOT aging gracefully either, but it’s more in attitude than anything else. I refuse to let myself be limited by what people think (including my family) a woman of “my age” should do or say or think. There is a great organization called Growing Bolder that basically celebrates the wisdom and opportunities that come with age, and is all about not limiting yourself as you get older. They have a website and a Facebook page. They are really inspirational – check them out!

      Liked by 1 person

Talk to me...

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s