Excuse me AGMA, but your ego’s showing

injurydenial

According to vocabulary.com, “A self-deprecating person knows her own weaknesses and shortcomings and isn’t afraid to point them out, often in a humorous way.”

Does that sound like anybody we know?

The opposite of arrogant or boastful, AGMA has a brutal understanding of her weaknesses and shortcomings and, sometimes, it makes for some funny stuff.  But I couldn’t always laugh at it.

Like a kazillion other people of a certain age, I grew up with a ginormous lack of self-esteem.  The reasons are long and messy and complicated, and would be TMI.  Let’s just say that it wasn’t because I didn’t get participation trophy for playing kickball. Or that my mom didn’t praise me enough for cleaning my room.

I often wonder how my life would have turned out had I not, early on in my life, always bought in, hook, line and sinker, to the vile little voice in my head feeding me lines of total bull crap.  “You’re not important.”  “Nobody really cares about you because, I mean, why would they?  You have no redeeming value.”  “Good things don’t happen to you because you don’t deserve it.” “You’re a nobody.” “You’re worthless.”

*uck you, little voice!!

Years of on and off counseling, a renewal of my faith and becoming a mom (of all things!) helped me strangle out those voices.    And they’re almost gone.  Almost. Sometimes, in certain situations, they actually catch my ear for a while before I replace the silencing pin in my Mattel Nasty Voice Voodoo Doll (pins sold separately.)

The lemonade is that you, as the ancient Greeks admonished, “Know Thyself”.  Utterly and completely.  You know your strengths and weaknesses.  You develop a self-awareness and a lack of ego-driven motives.  Most of the time.

AGMA prides herself on the lack of an overblown ego.  Is that an oxymoron?  She pities those who are motivated to only make love to their own ego.  So much terrible damage happens to individuals when egos run amuck.  And to families and communities.  And to nations and the world.

That’s why, today, I’m deeply ashamed.  I’m not as self-actualized as I non-humbly, pridefully thought.  My ego reared it’s ugly head.  It got the best of me when I wasn’t looking.  Or maybe I saw it and just looked the other way.

I got a running injury in March.  I was trying to get a good qualifying time for this year’s Peachtree Road Race.  The PRR happens every year in Altanta, GA on the 4th of July, and is the largest timed 10K race in the world.  The world.  60,000 people.  It’s pretty cool…

Last year, because it was my first Peachtree, I was stuck starting waaaay in the back of the pack.  Like the people who started first were already home, showered and napping when I crossed the start line.  Just a smidge of a bruising to the running ego that I deny exists.

PRR runners need a good qualifying time to be closer to the front of the pack.  I was determined to get that good qualifying time for 2015.

AGMA has now learned – the hard way – that when you’re over 60 and three weeks out of running your very first marathon, running at your top speed at a 10K (6.2 miles) qualifying run isn’t such a great idea.  Duh…  It just seems so obvious to me…now.

Damn that hindsight thing.

Oh – I DID get a great qualifying time.  I ran the fastest for 6.2 miles I’ve ever run.  And in the process, screwed up my calf. Crap.  Even after a five week rest in the Spring, it’s progressively gotten worse as I’ve trained on it.

Bad move to run on it when it kinda hurts and you are limping for the first three miles of every run.  Again, separate out the ego that I deny, and it just seems so glaringly obvious that I should not have been running so hard…now.

The final blow was a 12 mile run on Saturday.  What the hell is wrong with me?  Don’t answer that…  I now have a full blown case of shin splints.  And I’m thinking that I might possibly have a hairline fracture in my tibia.  Perfect.

So, in an incredibly ironic and totally yin-yang twist of ego-maniacal fate, I won’t be able to run The Peachtree on Saturday.  In some weird, twisted way, I find that kinda funny.

You have much yet to learn Grasshopper.

One of the great benefits of getting older is that it gives you perspective.  Lots of perspective.  If this is the worst thing that happens this week or month or year, I’m doing great!  My calf will eventually heal and I will be a wiser runner for it.  Right?  Maybe.

Hope springs eternal…

Happy 4th U.S.A.!

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27 thoughts on “Excuse me AGMA, but your ego’s showing

    • Thanks Gary! And I’m stubborn in a good way normally (like not giving up on something or someone), but this was a “stubborn in a bad way” instance. You live – you learn! Every day’s a school day right? I just hope I don’t have to keep repeating the grade!

      Liked by 1 person

    • Ha! I laughed out loud when I read your comment!

      I think it’s hard when you work full-time to get any kind of exercise in (other than walking back and forth from the kitchen!) Since I’m semi-retired, I have more time to abuse my body and screw up things that were previously working just fine. It’s the new baby boomer thing to do!

      Hopefully when I heal, I will accept my limitations. Nah… 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  1. “It’s the Baby Boomer thing to do.” You are too funny and dead right! Our poor bodies just can not do what they could at 20, at least not some of us! This blog was so appropriate. I am finishing a blog g now on aging, serenity, and “rescurism.”
    Thanks for your inspiring efforts for us Baby Boomers to run ina race though. So sorry you were hurt.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Awww… Thanks for your sympathy! That’s actually why I wrote this post – to get lots of sympathy. Ha! I bought a 3 month gym membership through one of those Groupon deal type things and I went there today. They looked a me a bit cock-eyed. I think I was the oldest one at the gym. But I did the rowing machine for 20 minutes to keep up my aerobic levels up while I heal, and try to build my upper body strength and get rid of (or at least reduce) the “arm waddles”. They were mildly impressed I was able to row for 20 minutes. So I got that going for me…

    And I don’t know what “rescurism” is… Do tell! Like I said, every day’s a school day!

    Thanks for the kind comment!

    Liked by 1 person

    • You made me proud when you said you could row for 20 minutes. Take that, you ageist trainers! My gym has so many over-60 folks, they don’t have Singles Night, they have Shingles Night. (Ba-dum, ching!)

      No, seriously, the rowing machine is great–especially the newer WaterRower ones that have a drum filled with water and paddles that move through it each time you row. Very smooth. And, my gym’s 67-year-old personal trainer, who has some serious biceps, says the rower works 85% of your muscles. He thinks it’s much better than the treadmill. Personally, I’m a Zumba fanatic. As for overdoing it, been there, done that. Plantar fasciitis that took almost a year to go away. I foolishly tried to double my walking distance and “work through the pain” until it hurt to walk at all. Hope you heal quickly!

      Liked by 1 person

      • So I DID the WaterRower!! And guess what? I discovered that I actually do have abs cause they hurt like hell the next day! I’ve went back again on Friday and plan to go again tomorrow. If it’s good enough for your 67 year old PT, it’s good enough for me! Seriously, it was a heck of a workout. I’m going for 25 minutes tomorrow…

        The good but very weird news is that it was nasty shin splints and I treated it very aggressively early in the week. I’m not sure how to explain what happened since I almost couldn’t walk on Monday, but I was better than I’ve been in months by Friday and ended up running on Saturday. And the pain has stayed away. Go figure…

        Glad you recovered from you PF. That’s a condition that you definitely have to stop what you’re doing for a spell and allow yourself to heal. Knock on wood, I haven’t had that… Yet!

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  3. The little voice in your head sounds an awful lot like the little voice in MY head, although I’ve been trying not to listen as much. Great advice and an inspirational little piece. Thanks, AGMA.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks much for your kind compliment! And please, drown out that voice as much as you can. It lies! Get a “mental” voodoo doll and silence “the voice” when it starts to chirp in your ear. Pins sold separately… 🙂

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    • Thanks WOTB! My leg is sooooo much better! Evidently I’m a powerful healer and didn’t know it! I started some aggressive self-care on Monday and went from barely being able to walk because I was in so much pain to actually running on Saturday. 😉 My leg has felt better than it has in months. Go figure!

      Hmmm – why I run is complicated. It basically comes down to the amazing camaraderie in the running community and all the good juju that you get from that. People are inspiring and supportive and encouraging. So it’s way more than just the cardio vascular exercise and burning calories for me… My running friends are like no other friends I’ve ever had before. Again, hard to explain. And I do the run/walk method, so IF I don’t let my ego get away from me again, I should be injury free from now on. Right… 🙂

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  4. I am not a runner but am close to your age and your opening paragraphs are such a reflection of how I grew up and how my self-concept was so negative. I am glad to be where I am now having dealt with all those issues that never should have been. And so true about the great perspective one gets in growing older. Great post.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks so much for your kind, wonderful comment! And I’m sorry you had to experience the same thing in your life, but so happy for you that you’ve not let it define who you are. It’s messy to deal with, but so essential for us to be able to bury the lies and move on towards healing. Kudos to you! Thanks again for stopping by and spending some time with AGMA!

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  5. I’m sending “Heal Quickly” vibes your way. I’d be SO disappointed if you had to sit out the Philadelphia marathon. And a disappointed me is NOT pretty. Plus I’d have to put my pompoms back in storage.

    Liked by 1 person

    • The good news… Your “Heal Quickly” vibes worked!! I AM healed and it feels a bit miraculous for lack of a more impactful word. I can’t explain what happened and why I went from basically not being able to walk and in great pain on Monday to totally pain-free running on Saturday. I did pray for healing but honestly, since it was my stupid fault in the first place, didn’t really expect to be healed… So yeah!

      The bad news – don’t hate me – is that I’m not doing Philadelphia in November. I can hear the gnashing of your teeth… I got accepted into the Marine Corps Marathon in DC in October so I’m going to do that one. If I don’t injure myself again. And that’s a big IF! I know – I’m a total party poop!

      I really feel bad because you got the pompoms out and everything… 😦

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