The paradox of the neck waddle

fat-personal-trainer

AGMA’s been quiet lately.  No posts.  No reading of any of her favorite bloggers.  No comments made or answered.  I hate that.

But all my time and energy for the past few weeks has been focused on something that I needed to get out of the way.  Like seriously get out of the way.

Last September, I signed up for personal trainer certification program.  Somewhat ironic and absurd since I’ve never had any interactions with a personal trainer in my life.  And it has been years and years since I’ve been to a gym.  You can kind of tell by looking at me.  Okay, you can definitely tell…

“Why then?” you might well ask.  There is a method to AGMA’s madness.  This time at least.

As a therapeutic massage therapist/bodyworker – the legit kind – I need to be able to give my clients corrective exercises that will stretch the over-active (tight) muscles and strengthen the under-active (weak) ones.  Legally.

Ah – there’s the rub… (no pun intended)

Massage-world trivia you didn’t know and couldn’t care less about – assigning corrective exercises to clients is out of a massage therapist’s “scope of practice”.  At least in the US.  No can do.  Nah baby nah.  AGMA could get into some seriously hot water if she gives out an exercise and her client get’s hurt doing it.  And complains to the Georgia Board of Massage Therapy.  And sues AGMA.  Boiling water.

Giving corrective exercises is definitely in the scope of practice for a CPT (certified personal trainer.)  The light begins to dawn…

AGMA likes to follow the rules.  Most of the time.  And she likes to help her clients as much as she can.  Hence the CPT journey by the woman who looks least likely to simply go to a personal trainer, let alone be one.  Life is strange.

I had six months to complete the book/online course and take the exam.  My drop dead date was March 11th.  After that date, I would have to pony up an additional $600 for another go at it.  $600 is almost a round trip ticket to Dublin.  Thank God I have my priorities straight.

I took the test on March 10th.  Of course. No need to rush these things.

While I did all of the reading and online videos spread out over the past six months, the last few weeks have been spent exclusively cramming for my test.  Well…and doing the other very basic “stuff” that one needs to do to simply survive each day.  Work, eat, sleep, Skype with my grandson, watch The Big Bang Theory…

When I first started really seriously studying, I almost gave up.  It seemed neurologically impossible for me to store that much information in an already over-stuffed, under-active, aging brain.  For one brief instant, contrary to her nature, AGMA wanted to quit.

But $600 is a big motivator.

So I crammed.  And I did the online flash cards and the practice tests.  I condensed key information on study sheets.  And would pull out the study sheets at stop lights to review.  Did I mention I can get a bit manic?  You may have guessed that by now.

It worked.  I passed.  Yippee.

I can now proudly put CPT behind my name along with LMT, MBA.  Oh – and BS too. The BS is probably the only one that truly captures AGMA’s essence.

So here I am.  A paradox.  A 60 something woman with a thick mid-section, cellulite infested thighs, flabby, jiggly upper arms, and a substantial neck waddle who is now a personal trainer.

Truth is indeed stranger than fiction.

But I’m inspired.  The day after I passed my test, I resolved to lose 25 lbs.  And I threw down the gauntlet in a very public way.  I put it out there on Facebook for the world to see.  Or at least the 20 or so people who actually follow my FB posts.

Today is the third day of tracking calories.  Ugh.  I’m using MyFitnessPal.com and their Android app.  It allows you to  scan the barcodes of food with your phone camera and capture all the nutritional information.  It makes tracking what you eat easy peasy.

Damn.

Scanning the barcodes is fun ’cause I’m pretty easily amused.  But actually seeing how many calories, how much sugar and how much fat are in the foods that I have been eating isn’t so much fun.

It explains a lot.

I’m sure a new, svelte AGMA is right around the corner.  Or down the block.  Or maybe in the next town over.  We’ll see…

I’m just glad the I passed the test, get hang with my blogging buds once again and can afford go back to Dublin!  At the end of the month.

How many calories are in a Guinness again?

Happy St. Patrick’s Day!

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45 thoughts on “The paradox of the neck waddle

    • Congratulations on passing the test. You should have kept track of how many tests you’ve passed in your lifetime … I’m sure it would be an astounding number! About the neck waddle …. I recently decided to go to a new hairdresser. You know how it is. After a while, they start taking us for granted and barely pay attention to what they’re doing. So, I went this to guy who was recommended to me by one of my doctors. He charges too much money, talks to much, and if I had the credentials to give a psychological diagnosis, I’d say he’ most likely a narcissist. Anywhoo … he informed that I simply must let my hair grow to should length and never again tuck it behind my ears. Why? Because as he said, “My dear, you have a turkey neck and short of spending thousands of dollars to have that unattractive thing fixed, you need to hid it with your hair? And here’s the best part … he wanted me to pay him after that. Which, of course, I did, but, needless to say, he won’t be seeing me or my “unattractive thing” again in this lifetime. If, somewhere in all your studying, you learned how to diminish (I’m certain I can’t get rid of) a turkey neck (without spending thousands of dollars), please let me know.

      Liked by 3 people

      • That is a horrible experience, I would not have paid the little arrogant jerk! I would have proceeded to tell him, if he can’t make me look better than when I walked in here then he is a crap hair stylist, regardless of how I look, he should be able to improve upon whenever is sitting in his chair. Obviously it’s HIS lack of skill not the client. But I am a BIG B like that. What a mean ugly man! I am so sorry he was hurtful to you.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Wouldn’t I LOVE to have the low cost, non-invasive solution to turkey neck. I’d be a multi-bazillionaire like the ladies who invented Spanx or the Skinny cocktails!

        And I about to give my hair person the boot. It’s like you said, they just get on auto-pilot and you become invisible!

        Like

    • Thanks Doobster! If I could lose 25 lbs, THAT would be probably my biggest, toughest accomplishment believe it or not. I’ve always used food (sugars and fats mostly!) as a sort of drug to help me get through the bad times and celebrate the good times. Obsessively so. Like I said, we’ll see…

      But I AM looking forward to finally reading your posts! Maybe not all of them – you’re quite prolific which is so impressive – but more than once every 10 days. Sheesh!

      Like

    • Thanks Jodi! I’m just looking forward to being tempted by the amazing goodies you not only make, but take mouth-watering pictures of… I briefly saw something about Girl Scout Thin Mint chocolate chip cookies that I wanted to go back and read and drool over. But maybe I shouldn’t – it could be too painful!

      Liked by 1 person

  1. Congratulations on getting the CPT, I’m impressed you put yourself through all that primarily so you could provide more help to your clients. And good luck with the weight loss. MyFitnessPal can be a bit horrifying when you realise just how many calories there are in certain things but I like the earning calories feature. Long walk = one chocolate bar just as I’d always thought!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you!

      Horrifying is right… I’m just going to skip today. I know if I put the stuff in I had this afternoon, the app would laugh at me and tell me to just give up!

      As Scarlett O’Hara (Irish…) said, “After all, tomorrow is another day!”

      Like

  2. Congratulations! That’s really awesome! Your clients will be so thankful that you can give them even better treatment. I need to put MyFitnessPal on my phone…talk about keeping you honest.

    Like

      • No! Had planned on a long cycle today, but it is sadly a very foggy day and only 4˚C!!!

        Last week I was blogging that spring was in the air at 14˚C, with snowdrops appearing and pink blossom on the trees and this week we are plunged back into winter. Such is living in the UK!!

        Like

      • Such is the cruelness of early spring! She get’s you sucked into the whole “Winter’s over; it’s getting warmer” fantasy then boom, crushes your dreams. Happens here too… Hey, I’m going to be right next door to you in a little less than two weeks! Heading back to the Emerald Isle for a spell. Order me up some good weather okay?

        Liked by 1 person

    • Wow! Thank you! There is nothing more humbling that having a fellow blogger give you kudos!

      Warning – I’m not very good at following the rules of those awards. I promise to try but I’m a bit flakey… BUT sooooo appreciative! Thank you again!

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Congrats on the PT certification :).
    Doing things for ourselves, which coincidentally help others, always makes us feel good about ourselves.
    I just found you via Send Sunshine :), and it was the name of your blog which caught my attention :).
    Plenty more to read now 🙂

    Like

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