The AGMA Christmas Card Conspiracy Theory

Sparkle2

I think I’ve figured it out…  I know how the Chinese are going to take over the world.  Or at least the parts of the world that send glittery greeting cards

I wonder if anybody will believe me?

Last year, I bought some 75% off holiday cards after Christmas to send this year.  Yeah – I’m cheap.  I liked them because they have pretty sparkles.  They were made in China.

I bought some extra Christmas cards a few weeks ago because I needed more.  They also have pretty sparkles on them.  They were made in China.

Most of the Christmas cards I’ve received this year so far have pretty sparkles on them.  I checked the backs of each card.  They were made in China.

My sister has a late December birthday.  I bought a birthday card for her that has pretty sparkle balloons over the birthday cake on the front.  You guessed it –  made in China.

Hmmm – now I’m not the sharpest needle in the haystack, but I think I’m seeing a common thread…

Think about it.  As soon as you take those cards out of the box, those damn sparkles go everywhere.  I opened a sparkly card last week on the kitchen counter near the phone.  Later in the day, I found sparkles on our cooktop which is across the room.  Huh?

Accident?  I don’t think so…

We have cats.  The sparkles get on the floor.  Our cats daintily prance through the errant sparkles on the floor getting them on their paws.  They’re now carriers.

The sparkles get on the kitchen counters.  All over the kitchen counters.  The cats aren’t allowed on the counters.  Yeah – right. Telling a cat “No!” works so well…

So their paws end up covered in sparkles.  At this point, because cats will not be denied access anywhere, you start finding sparkles all over the house.   Literally, everywhere.  Really, in places that would shock and surprise you.

And I realized – it’s all an ingenious, insidious plot.  They’re using our pets against us to spread the sparkles.  It’s like something you’d find on The Sci-Fi channel.

“What’s there to fear from a few ill placed sparkles?” you ask.  Other than you don’t feel like sparkles in your morning coffee.  Or your scrambled eggs.  Or stuck to your boob.

It’s “just” sparkles now my friends, but what about next year?  Or the year after?

Scientists are already working on making graphene practical for use in computers and everyday electronics.  In case you don’t know, graphene is a carbon sheet only one atom thick.  It’s the new miracle substance that is supposed to revolutionize the electronics industry because it conducts electricity 100 faster than the silcone.  Stronger than steel but flexible, it’s a nano-sized superconductor.  Seriously, this stuff if pretty darned amazing.

But one atom thick?  Gosh, that’s teeny, tiny, itty-bitty.  Small enough to fit on something really tiny.  Really tiny like – oh, I don’t know – a sparkle maybe?

And so it begins…

Again, I’m not the fastest pony in the stable, but sometimes I can connect the dots.

Today it’s a sparkle.  Tomorrow it’s a digital communications tool the size of a piece of glitter stuck to your ass beaming all of your junk over to the Chinese version YouTube.

Merry Christmas Beijing.

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36 thoughts on “The AGMA Christmas Card Conspiracy Theory

  1. I just checked my cards. No sparkles, no glitter, just photographs. And on the back of the card: Printed in the USA. Phew. No worries about glitter. Now if I can just do something about the ants, I’ll be happy.

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  2. Hilarious!!! And I think you are totally right! Those genius sneaky Chinese! It pisses me off that all the cards are Made in China. The only place I know where you can buy ones Made in USA is Menards by Marian Heath. Once in a while you can find some random ones at Marshall’s/TJMaxx/Homegoods. The only thing that pisses me off even more is US flags made in China.

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    • Other than the photo ones, I you’re right – 99% made in China. With the evil sparkles. Yeah – there’s something about a US flag that begs the label Made in the USA. Do you remember when once upon a time Walmart used to advertise that everything they sold was made in the USA? I wonder what percentage of the goods they carry now are US made? Without evil sparkles…

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      • I certainly do remember! That was the way they got people to abandon all the local privately owned businesses that eventually shut most of them down. Once they had everyone hooked, and there was nowhere else to shop, then they started buying everything in China. In recent years, they’ve started carrying more items with the Made in USA label. My husband says (after having done business with the Chinese) that we will be seeing fewer things made there, because their wages are going up, and it’s costing more for production because of their new environmental regulations. I have noticed that I’m seeing more things made in Taiwan and Malaysia recently.

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  3. Wow. I don’t send cards out any more (49 cents apiece? Not on my limited budget), but guess I’d better check the ones that come in! It’s a conspiracy, I tell you.

    PS: I just found you, because I saw the name of your blog in my Reader and couldn’t resist checking it out. What a great title! I am looking forward to all your future posts.

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    • Thanks for coming over to the “dark side” to read AGMA! You’re a brave woman. So I buy my Chinese Christmas cards after Christmas to send next year at 75% off. That makes each card about 10 cents. Still not cheap but better than 49 cents. Of course if we bought them in China, they would be like a penny a card. With evil sparkles.

      Liked by 1 person

    • Awwww – I hate to disappoint… 😦 But you need to remember two things.

      1. I’m on old fart. Where now young ladies glitter their “special places”, we were burning our bras and setting the girls free to flap in the wind!
      2. I only object to sneaky Chinese glitter with digital audio, video and GPS capabilities meant to be spread around by cats and dogs in an effort to take over the world.

      I hope that you feel a bit better about me know… 🙂

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      • Happy new year! Your explanation has caused you to be reinstated into the Blogger Place of honor that exists in my brain!

        Is the grandchild here yet? One can never count on those pesky due dates.

        Liked by 1 person

      • HNY back to ya! Whew – that was a close one! Glad we’re back on solid footing. If it makes you feel any better, I’ll glitter “the girls” with non-Chinese digital communications glitter. It could be fun…

        Hell yeah – he’s here! Read all about it in My Very Bad, Terrible, Wonderful, Magical Christmas post! Thanks for asking! And for the record, he was late.

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      • WHAT??!!!
        How can that be? I’m following you–so I am supposed to get a notification whenever you post.

        I’ll just have to get to it the “manual” way.

        Congratulations on achieving that wonderful state known as grandmahood, which is far, far superior to a knighthood (in MY estimation). Truly it is cause for celebration, and what better way to celebrate than with sparkly girls?

        Off to read your post.

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      • At the risk of TMI, you also have to remember that (at least in my case) we’re talking about boobs that can transfer the glitter SIDEWAYS into the belly button. It’s maybe NOT as good as “glitter on your boobs” sounds.

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      • Or in my case, glitter around the waist! Ouch – definitely TMI! 🙂 I’m planning on having a clean room set up next year to open my Christmas cards in. Hazmat suits, gloves, air filtration system – the works! I’ll show them…

        Liked by 1 person

  4. After reading this post I took to Google and found this site http://www.keepmywords.com. They say the official fear of glitter is called “sparkalaphobia”. I thought this quote was pretty awesome:
    “Some say cockroaches will survive the end of the world. I think all that will be left is glitter.” Saludos, La Panzona {Pahn.So.Nuh}

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      • Lol, now that would be cool or disgusting..I loathe cockroaches, especially the gigantic flying kind. That’s a huge deterrent for me in deciding whether or not to move to Mexico. Would you go on Fear Factor and take on the challenge of having thousands of glittery cockroaches crawl all over you for a million dollars?

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      • My step-mother lived in El Paso back in the 40’s and I remember her talking about the HUGE cockroaches… 😦 I think that’s when the loathing started. I thought about your question and decided that the only way I would ever feel clean again would be to peel all my skin off. Because I’d have to spend the entire million on new skin grafts, the answer would be no. It might be yes if they gave me something that would make me forget what happened. And if the cockroaches were glittery AND wearing lipstick. That might be Guinness World Record worthy. That could be cool…

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  5. Oh my! You are funny! Just found you through the freshly pressed random musings section. I’ll be back for more of your witty humor! I do love me some glitter though, but I’ll never be thinking about it the same now…love your site’s title too, by the way…

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    • Thank you for your kind comments! And my little donkey, Aging Gracefully, appreciates it too! Seriously though – or not seriously as the case may be – I’d rather look for the humor in life than any of the other yucky stuff. There is plenty of both to go around right? And since CCN, Fox News, MSNBC and the rest cover the yucky stuff so very well, I thought I’d opt for the humor. Most of the time…. Every now and then I have my odd, dark post. For that I ask forgiveness. Thanks again and stop by again!

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Pingback: Mirror, mirror… | Aging Gracefully My Ass

  7. Pingback: Holiday cray cray | Aging Gracefully My Ass

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