My Life Is Perfect

BoastingXmas

Yesterday, I finished “the” Christmas letter.

You know – it’s the letter that gets stuffed in selected Christmas cards to let your far away friends and family know how amazingly wonderful your life was the past year.  And how brilliant and successful your children continue to be as fully grown adults.

These letters are like the TV show Survivor.  They involve playing the game.  You wait to write your letter until you’ve received several others to see how much you have to “one-up” them.  But if you wait too long, your card and letter arrives after Christmas and you just look like a pathetic loser.  Timing is everything.  It’s eat or be eaten.

I don’t send a Christmas letter in every card.  Because of social media, most of my friends already know that my life is spectacular and my children are wildly, hopelessly successful.  The letters are so that everybody else who ISN’T digitally plugged-in can know that as well.  And just how drab and sad their lives are in comparison.

I’m just spreading the cheer…

Some people are on the cusp.  It’s the  “should I or shouldn’t I” dilemma with some folks who intentionally keep a low profile on social media.  They’re stalkers.  They don’t have the gonads to actually post anything, but they want to read all about you. Chicken sh*t stalkers.

My new motto is, “When in doubt, send it out!”  If I’m not absolutely sure they know about how much more fantabulous my life and kids are than theirs, the letter get’s stuffed.  Something to bring a little ray of sunshine into their dreary, mundane existence

Okay – the above is a bit tongue-in-cheek.  Maybe a lot.  But not the chicken sh*t stalker part…    I was actually channeling some of the people who send us Christmas letters.  You know – the eye-rolling kind of letters that make you wonder why neither they nor their kid(s) have been selected as Time’s Person of the Year yet because they’ve done everything but discover the cure for cancer.  No question that will happen in 2015 – or so they tell us.

Perfect family, perfect job, perfect life.  Yeah, right.  And I have some prime land in Florida to sell that you would love.  Cheap.

Are there Chanukah letters in Chanukah cards?  What about Ramadan?  Do Muslims send out Ramadan cards and if they do, do they include stuff like “my kid got a work promotion and is now a Vice President” news tidbits in a note?

I hope not.

It’s actually kind of sad.  It was one thing to write about your kid making the varsity soccer team when he was in high school.  It’s entirely a different thing to be doing the same type of thing when your “kid” is 35.  I always think that something important is missing from their lives to make them continue to live vicariously through their children and have to annually announce their perceived accomplishments.

But figuring out what that is, is out of my scope of practice.  All I can do is write my letter.  It usually includes tiny blurbs about my adult kids.  They’re doing great for which I am very thankful, but I have no desire to toot that horn ad nauseam at this point in my life.  It’s mostly about my husband and I, and how we are navigating this early winter season of our life.  More introspective than in the past. Less ego.

Tell the truth, shame the devil AGMA…  Yeah – okay, I did put in that I took three great trips this year and that I’m going to be a grandma in the next week.

THE NEXT WEEK!

Oops- again, did I say that out loud?

So I can’t wait to write my Christmas letter next year to tell everybody how little babyAGMA is so advanced for his age, and is talking and walking and potty trained and is already being recruited to play football by a major D1 college team.

And how everybody else’s grandkid is just a big loser.

I just love the holidays!

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18 thoughts on “My Life Is Perfect

  1. I am going to write a brutally honest Christmas letter telling everyone my financial struggles, relationship issues and about how my hairstyles have gone from bad to worse then put a picture of me in the envelope displaying my lazy eye and a crooked smile. That’ll show em!

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    • You read my mind! Or maybe write a really sweet one but in the middle put something about chronic gastric bloating along with uncontrolled gas expulsion and see if anybody notices. Sometimes I read those letters and I want to ask, “So how are you REALLY doing?”

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  2. I work with someone who is constantly having to tell you how wonderful his adult children are and how the world would not survive without them. My son was struggling at the time after the death of his father. When my co-worker came in to interrupt my lunch for another story about wonder son I answered back “Really, that’s awesome. My kid got arrested yesterday. He was 3 times the legal limit!.” Passive aggressive I know, but it felt so good.

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    • “Wonder son” – I love it!! Sometimes passive aggressiveness is the only answer to folks like that. We have some people we know who have 3 adults sons. Last year their letter went on and on and on about the older two because they were getting multiple degrees and traveling to Tibet or Antartica and inventing a flying car or something like that. The youngest son is a middle school teacher who has a wife who’s a hairdresser and they have a kid (maybe 2). He barely got a mention because I guess his life is too normal. I kinda felt bad about that. I always liked him the best of the three when he was a kid – he was the nicest and most sensible!

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    • Did she listen? I’m not really sure my kids knew they were in the GNCL each year. Probably not or I would have gotten a cease and desist order as well! They sure don’t want me posting ANYTHING about them on Facebook. Now I’m wondering if they might be part of some covert government agency…

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      • We are all special agents. 🙂 Yes, she listened but only after we had her reread some of the GNCLs that others had been sending for years. Now she let’s us know her dissatisfaction when we don’t include recent photos with Christmas cards. And God forbid we ever send her a digital greeting card…

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      • OMG, I would be so happy with a digital greeting card from my son! Thank God he married a woman who understands that it might be good to send the mother-in-law a birthday card! Clearly, you are a very attentive son! Bravo! You get a 🙂

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  3. Lol, that’s hilarious! We have people who send us Ramadan cards. Sometimes the cards say “Happy Holidays” instead. On the cover is the lovely little family of the sender and that’s pretty much it. I get more than my share of people showing off about how great their lives and/or children, job, spouse, puppy, etc are though. That’s apparently all Facebook is for!

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  4. Oh gawd! I could write reams about this subject, and why I haven’t yet, no one will ever know. Thank the good lord, I only receive one of these every year, and what makes it more obnoxious is that she has her daughter write it, in the third person. Really?

    People would be horrified if I wrote one. I would either have to be snarkily funny, or tell my awful tales of woe, which would fill a book. Actually, my life has been a lot better the last year than it has been in the last ten, so I believe there’s hope. Meanwhile, you’ll never read about it in an annual letter, because I NEVER want to be on of “those people.”

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    • Glad to hear things started looking up in 2014! And how do you manage your friends so well that you only get one of “those letters” a year? We must get 15 or so, but there are only about 3 or 4 that are truly eye-rollers. And boy, are those stinkers! Here’s to keeping momentum up in 2015 of another good year!

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