Yesterday, I finished “the” Christmas letter.
You know – it’s the letter that gets stuffed in selected Christmas cards to let your far away friends and family know how amazingly wonderful your life was the past year. And how brilliant and successful your children continue to be as fully grown adults.
These letters are like the TV show Survivor. They involve playing the game. You wait to write your letter until you’ve received several others to see how much you have to “one-up” them. But if you wait too long, your card and letter arrives after Christmas and you just look like a pathetic loser. Timing is everything. It’s eat or be eaten.
I don’t send a Christmas letter in every card. Because of social media, most of my friends already know that my life is spectacular and my children are wildly, hopelessly successful. The letters are so that everybody else who ISN’T digitally plugged-in can know that as well. And just how drab and sad their lives are in comparison.
I’m just spreading the cheer…
Some people are on the cusp. It’s the “should I or shouldn’t I” dilemma with some folks who intentionally keep a low profile on social media. They’re stalkers. They don’t have the gonads to actually post anything, but they want to read all about you. Chicken sh*t stalkers.
My new motto is, “When in doubt, send it out!” If I’m not absolutely sure they know about how much more fantabulous my life and kids are than theirs, the letter get’s stuffed. Something to bring a little ray of sunshine into their dreary, mundane existence
Okay – the above is a bit tongue-in-cheek. Maybe a lot. But not the chicken sh*t stalker part… I was actually channeling some of the people who send us Christmas letters. You know – the eye-rolling kind of letters that make you wonder why neither they nor their kid(s) have been selected as Time’s Person of the Year yet because they’ve done everything but discover the cure for cancer. No question that will happen in 2015 – or so they tell us.
Perfect family, perfect job, perfect life. Yeah, right. And I have some prime land in Florida to sell that you would love. Cheap.
Are there Chanukah letters in Chanukah cards? What about Ramadan? Do Muslims send out Ramadan cards and if they do, do they include stuff like “my kid got a work promotion and is now a Vice President” news tidbits in a note?
I hope not.
It’s actually kind of sad. It was one thing to write about your kid making the varsity soccer team when he was in high school. It’s entirely a different thing to be doing the same type of thing when your “kid” is 35. I always think that something important is missing from their lives to make them continue to live vicariously through their children and have to annually announce their perceived accomplishments.
But figuring out what that is, is out of my scope of practice. All I can do is write my letter. It usually includes tiny blurbs about my adult kids. They’re doing great for which I am very thankful, but I have no desire to toot that horn ad nauseam at this point in my life. It’s mostly about my husband and I, and how we are navigating this early winter season of our life. More introspective than in the past. Less ego.
Tell the truth, shame the devil AGMA… Yeah – okay, I did put in that I took three great trips this year and that I’m going to be a grandma in the next week.
THE NEXT WEEK!
Oops- again, did I say that out loud?
So I can’t wait to write my Christmas letter next year to tell everybody how little babyAGMA is so advanced for his age, and is talking and walking and potty trained and is already being recruited to play football by a major D1 college team.
And how everybody else’s grandkid is just a big loser.
I just love the holidays!