Martha Stewart’s Evil Twin

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With the holidays fast approaching, the American tradition of unrestrained gluttony is right around the corner.  Good times.

The season of parties and office potlucks.  The season of dinners that have five starches, four vegetables, three desserts, two meats and a partridge in a pear tree.  The season of eating three times the amount you normally eat, and then wondering why, come January, you’ve gained ten pounds and your LDL is 200.  The season of the unmovable, pepto bismol, “why am I constipated?” feast.

It’s the hap-happiest time of the year.

It’s the time of year when you are forced bring an appetizer-type thingy to your office “eat like you’re going to be out of a job by December 24th because you probably will be” holiday luncheon spread or to the neighbor with the dog that poops in your yard’s holiday party.  Or you may want to host your own celebration so you don’t have to Uber it home – you can just pass out on your own bathroom floor from all those candy cane jello shots.

You can only do veggies and hummus so many times.  “I need a new idea!” I hear you lamenting…

Well my friends – you have come to the right place!  AGMA is going to try her hand at giving holiday recipe advice.  You won’t find any of these on Martha Stewart’s website.  There’s a reason why.

I’m here to tell you that, in 2014, everything old is new again.

Now let’s dust off the AGMA recipe box and peek in for some suggestions from years gone by.  You’ll be the talk of your friends, neighbors and/or co-workers.  Because I guarantee they will most surely talk about you if you try to bring or serve any of these.

The first is the famous dried beef cheese ball.   This is for the cook in a hurry.  It takes 5 minutes to put this baby together.  You take an 8 oz pack of cream cheese, 3 oz of dried chipped beef, 2 green onions, 1/4 tsp onion salt, 1 1/4 tsp MSG (seriously, do they still make MSG?) and 1 Tbsp Worcestershire sauce.  Say that fast three times. Awkwardly mix it all together and voila!  You’ll feel like you’re watching An Officer and A Gentleman for the first time again.  After spending a couple of hours in the fridge, it’ll be ready to spread on Ritz.  Everything tastes better on a Ritz right?  Probably not this.

The second classic is the legendary sausage and Velveta hors d’oeuvre.  I don’t know about you, but my mouth is watering already…  Simple to shop for – only four ingredients.  1 lb. ground sausage, 8 oz Velveta, Worcestershire sauce – clearly the 70‘s & 80‘s go-to ingredient – and a couple of little loaves of cocktail rye bread. Brown the sausage then drain off the grease.  Cube the Velveta and mix it in with the sausage along with some of that fabulous, all-purpose Worcestershire sauce.  Cook until it’s a seething, bubbling cauldron of artery clogging goodness.  Plop a glop on a piece of cocktail rye; then when you run out of glop, pop the treats into the oven to get a nice brown crust on the top of each glop.  Serve pipin’ hot right out of the oven.  Bellisimo!  This is best served with some Lipitor on the side.

WARNING: The above recipes are not for the lactose intolerant.  The author is not responsible the mass exodus of party goers due to “side effects” if this warning is not taken seriously.

And last, but certainly not least, is the simplest, easiest of them all. Cocktail weinies in bbq sauce.  No lactose here – just pure Midwest Americana at it’s finest.  This is a no-brainer that can be quickly prepared ahead of time to free you up to make those last minute sausage and Velveta numbers.  Only three ingredients to this sweet yet savory snack…  One pack cocktail weinies, 1/2 bottle of bbq sauce (your choice) and 1/2 jar of grape jelly.  Throw them all into a crock pot set on low, mix it up, and forget about it until the good times start rolling and the candy cane jello shots come out.  The proper etiquette is to provide multi-colored toothpicks for your guests to use fish them out of the crockpot.  Be sure to supply plenty of napkins.

So good luck if you decide to prepare any of these vintage appetizers. And if anybody asks who made them, just act like you brought the veggies and hummus…

There are a lot more recipes from years gone by in the ol’ recipe box. When you least expect it, more posts may pop up featuring more AGMA retro-recipes.  The world needs to have these classics recycled if only as a warning for future generations.

Because, it’s a good thing.

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8 thoughts on “Martha Stewart’s Evil Twin

  1. Now you have given me a craving for”a seething, bubbly cauldron of artery clogging goodness”. They don’t make party food like that anymore, except for the jello shots. Keep those vintage heart attack inducing recipies coming!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I take sadistic pleasure in vengefully losing weight at the times everyone else is gaining it–freshman year in college, Thanksgiving through New Year’s, the Superbowl, etc. It’s like running a marathon against drunk people, it’s really not all that hard to come out the winner here.

    Anyway, you won’t be ultimately depriving yourself. You can always make pumpkin pie and peppermint bark in July, it’s not like there’s a law.

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