Ocular Misadventures-Part Deux

glasses

[FYI, this will be my last post for a couple of weeks.  I’m off again tomorrow on another AGMA travel adventure!  I’ll miss ya’ll!]

In my elementary school, each class marched into the nurses office once a year to read an eye chart. They wanted to make sure our vision was okay.  I guess my eyes were passable through 5th grade. All hell broke loose in 6th grade.

I started squinting to see the chalkboard.  Very gradually – so gradually that I never really noticed – the moon developed a hazy ring around it.  Trees branches lost their definition.  The world became a soft, fuzzy place with blurred boarders.  Everything looked like it was surrounded by blobs of cotton candy.

In 7th grade, I went to a “proper” eye doctor.  Turns out I had become extremely near-sighted.  Duh…  I needed glasses.  This was a death sentence to a tween girl.

I was going to be a four eyes.

I didn’t like getting glasses.  They felt odd on my face and made my eyes look beady.  But it was wonderful being able to read the chalkboard and see individual leaves on a branch.  The moon and car headlights didn’t have halos around them.  The world was in sharp focus – at least visually.

But I was desolate.  Everybody knows, “Boys never make passes at girls who wear glasses.”  Pigs.

In high school, I traded in my glasses for big girl contact lenses. They weren’t particularly comfortable and were a royal pain to take care of, but I was “make a pass at” eligible again.  Nobody did.  Pigs.

In college, the abuse started.  Many nights I would fall asleep (pass out?) with my contacts still in my eyes.  The next morning I’d have to chisel them out.  Ouch.  Going to college in Texas, then Arizona, there was no shortage of windblown sand and dust.  Ouch again. And when I “slept over” and didn’t have my contact solution, I spit on my contacts to put them back in my eyes in the morning. That is assuming I actually took them out the night before and put them in the closest thing resembling a Dixie Cup for safe storage.

It’s amazing I have any sight left at all.

I wore contacts until I was in my early 30s.  After the birth of my second child, I didn’t have time to fool with all that contact lens nonsense.  Married for 6+ years, I figured two kids sealed the deal so I didn’t have to worry my looks anymore.  I started wearing glasses again.  I honestly don’t think my husband even noticed.  He’s an absent minded professor type…  I still don’t think he’s noticed.

Round about the time life started to settle down again for a minute (meaning the kids went off to college), I started thinking about wearing contacts again.  But damn…now I needed readers for seeing things close up.  Even if I got contacts, I’d still have to wear glasses for any “close up” stuff which is like 50% of the time.  Crap.

I could get those “Jekyll and Hyde” contact lenses where one eye has a distance contact in it and the other has a close up reading contact. Really?  They say that your brain gets used to seeing catawampus. I’m pretty sure my brain is already working to it’s maximum catawampus capacity.  I seriously don’t want to confuse it any more than it already is.  Besides, the whole thing just sounds creepy…

I opted for progressive, no-line bifocal glasses.  The lenses look like “normal” lenses, but they’re very sneaky.  The top part is for distance and the bottom part is for reading and, true to the advertising, there is NO LINE.  Nifty…but I’m STILL wearing glasses.

Shelley at Destinationnow.me commented on my last post that she had new eyeball lens implants when she had surgery to remove her cataracts.  She’s glasses free because one lens implanted is for close up vision and the other lens is for distance. Still kinda creepy, but the idea of having nearly perfect vision and never wearing any corrective lens ever again is somewhat intoxicating.

So, in ten years, when I get my cataracts removed, provided I don’t contract ebola and die in the meantime, I will, once again, be “make a pass at” eligible!  I’ll be nearly 71.

Get in line boys….get in line.  My dance card is fillin’ up fast!

Behave while I’m gone!

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7 thoughts on “Ocular Misadventures-Part Deux

  1. My wife tried those contact lenses where one eye is fitted distance and one fitted for close-up. She never got used to them and went back to regular contacts and readers for close-up needs. I used to wear contacts and readers, too. But I ended up with these cheap “half-glasses” perched on the end of my nose just about 24×7, so I ended up getting the progressive lenses and I’m fine with them. No desire for Lasik or for any other surgical procedure anywhere near my eyes. That scares the shit out of me.

    Oh, happy trails.

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    • Never trust anybody with a laser anywhere near your eyes! As much of a troubled relationship I had with him, I always hear my father’s voice saying, “Remember, you only have one set of eyes.” Someday I’ll join the rest of the world and have a Notebook with a keyboard and I can blog on my trips… Or not. Have fun while I’m gone but no arrests!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. My encounter with failing vision came much earlier – in fourth grade. We were always seated alphabetically and since my last name began with “W” I was always in the back of the room. But my 4th grade teacher noticed that I could answer the questions when they were on paper in front of me, but not when they were on the blackboard. If he had been less observant, less caring, I could have ended up being marked for life as one of the dumb ones, or the lazy ones who could do better but just didn’t try.

    I was excited about getting my first pair of glasses. But then, I was too young to even know what being eligible for passes meant.

    Have fun while you are gone.

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    • Kudo’s for your 4th grade teacher!! I think getting glasses in 4th grade would have been way cooler than 7th! I honestly think my problems began earlier, but nobody picked up on it. I did struggle in school and wonder how much of it was due to me just not being able to see what was being taught. Ah well – I managed to catch up at some point… Thanks for your comment and you “have fun” wishes!

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  3. I also spit on my contacts. Plus I had another trick designed to keep my eyes healthy. If the wind blew crap into my eyes (which happened with alarming frequency) I would pop the lens out and stick it between my gum and my lip. Why did it never occur to me to carry a lens case? Why did I never think about all the bacteria happily growing in my mouth. It is a miracle I never got an infection from that or from the eyeliner water that I rarely changed. (You know, the cake kind that you wet and applied with a brush).
    I’m telling you all this so that when I am gone and am up for sainthood, you can point to my infection free eyes as the required miracle needed to seal the deal. I’m counting on you.

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