Sneezy’s Little Secret

sneezy

WARNING: Men, turn away.  Contains TMI.  Trust me on this…

In high school, I was in a short one-act play called “The Stoop”. Three old women sat on an apartment building stoop talking. Actually, only two talked; one just stared off in the distance.  I never quite figured that out.

I was one of the women who talked.  During the conversation, the other character I was speaking with would occasionally say something funny.  My character would laugh, then get a strange look on her face and say, “I think I peed a little.”  The audience always laughed after I said that line.  I was delighted.

Oh, life’s cruel irony!

If that rising sense of dread in you is screaming, “STOP READING!”, you guessed it…  This post is peeing when you don’t want to.

In women, one of the “side effects” of having the hormonal spigots turned off at menopause is the weakening of pelvic muscles. The result – a drip and a drab here and there.  Menopause isn’t the only thing that will cause this, but it’s the most common one for women of a certain age.  Delightful.

Y’all, I live in the South in the USA.  Here, there’s an abundance of beautiful flora along with drenching late spring/early summer rains. Then there’s the excessive heat and humidity of summer.  Oh – and more rain in the fall when the tree and bush leaves litter the ground. Between all of the different kinds of pollen along with the inevitable mold caused by a humid climate and dead organic matter, frequent sneezing is pretty much a given most of the year.

This is my nemesis.

Because I believe the Internet holds the key to the infinite mysteries of the universe, I typed “postmenopausal unrinary incontinence” in Yahoo. (Yeah – I use Yahoo. Call me a rebel… )  I needed to find out how to stop it.  Evidently estrogen replacement therapy can help.  I already do bioidentical hormone replacement.  I started to get worried.

Then I read about an old friend I hadn’t thought of for years… The Kegel!  As a pregnant woman years ago, The Kegel and I had a thing going.  Times have change don’t you know – you can now buy pelvic toning “devices” to help you do your Kegels properly.  I don’t think so…  I’d be worried whatever I got would get lost in there and I’d never find it again.  Like the tic tacs in my purse.

So now I’m doing The Kegel again.  When I remember.  Which is not very often.  I can tell this is going to take some work.  Things just aren’t as young as they used to be.  And then there’s gravity.

In the meantime, I needed a stop-gap solution.  It was time for a field trip.

It’s been many years since I strolled down the “Feminine Hygiene” aisle of my local drugstore.  I have to admit I was downright sad about some things I was leaving behind when I entered my new, postmenopausal season of life.  Shopping in the feminine hygiene products aisle was not one of them.  Bub-bye.

An aside…  I hate the term “Feminine Hygiene.”  It’s the word “hygiene” that gets in my craw.  Harkens back to the dark ages when a women was banished and sent to forage in the desert once a month because she was considered “unclean.”  I hear requiring women to do that again might get added to the Texas GOP party platform this year…

Anyway, on my field trip I found out that us Boomers have our own little section in Feminine Hygiene!  It’s not labeled “for ladies who leak a mite”, but you can tell…  Delightfully scented, attractively packaged, discrete products that will take away the concern of sneezing suddenly.  Perfect!

Of course I bought some.  Temporary solution until The Kegel works it’s magic, right?  I’ll keep telling myself that…

Aging gracefully my ass.

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10 thoughts on “Sneezy’s Little Secret

  1. Ha! I laughed out loud at your Texas GOP party platform comment.

    I remember once a woman said something about what she called her “daily discharge.” I can’t for the life of me remember how that came up in the conversation, though. And, FWIW, men can also have a bit of a leaking problem. I have to make damn sure, before I stuff myself back into my trousers, that it’s all gone. Otherwise, I can be surprised by a little bit of PPD (post pee drip). And gone are the days when I could sleep through the entire night without having to get up between 3 and 4 a.m. to pee.

    Ah, yes, aging gracefully my ass is so very, very true.

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    • I would have loved to have been a fly on the wall with the “discharge” comment to see how that conversation started! You guys might have it more difficult that us. You get the PPD in addition to the “low flow”. Ha!

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  2. When I was pregnant with my first child, my mother (in a misguided attempt to keep me from worrying) told me childbirth was “like falling off a log.” No…it was like giving birth TO a log. That baby was almost 9 lbs. at birth and the second was only slightly less chunky. I’m only 5′ 4″. It’s a wonder I have any kind of pelvic floor at all.
    I tell ya, Poise pads have been a godsend. I never leave home without them. I wouldn’t be able to get through my Zumba class either. I don’t know about the Kegels, though. Kegel is also a German nine-pin bowling game. Maybe stuffing one of the pins up there might solve my problem. Or not…

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